


Heavenuva Boss

by KathyPrior42



Series: Haven Hotel and Heavenuva Boss [2]
Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: 2P C.H.E.R.U.B. - Freeform, 2P I.M.P., Anti-Exorcists, C.H.E.R.U.B., C.H.E.R.U.B. (Helluva Boss), D.E.V.I.L., E.L.F., I.M.P., I.M.P. (Helluva Boss), Vivziepop's Cats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-23 00:37:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23302933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyPrior42/pseuds/KathyPrior42
Summary: Need a soul saved or blessed? E.L.F. in Heaven has got you covered. Meet the playful leader Docile (the "e" is silent), the grumpy Tirred, the fearful Timmid and Sunna, the happy Heaven-Cat! They spread love, hope, and faith whenever it's needed. They're even ready to tackle all the paperwork...sometimes.Can they work together to keep their business afloat? With clashes, adventures and a rival killing black ram company D.E.V.I.L. (2P C.H.E.R.U.B.) in 2P Hell, things sure do happen.Helluva Boss 2p/ parody
Series: Haven Hotel and Heavenuva Boss [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764493
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	1. Heavenuva Boss: Pilot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow Docile, Tirred, Timmid and Sunna as they attempt to run a reviving company in Heaven

Heaven was a marvelous paradise that sat proudly within fluffy white clouds. It was located on a white planet surrounded by a large halo like a planetary ring. It was located above Earth and Hell. The denizens of Heaven included God, His Archangels (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael etc.), Adina, Jesus Christ, Mary and many others. Lucifer used to live there until he was banished for disobeying God. Although Heaven seemed like perfection, the elite angels were ignorant to the suffering demons in Hell. To them, the demons were diseased foreigners who didn’t deserve to go to Heaven. Humans weren’t much better…they had to meet near impossible standards of the Seven Virtues to go to Heaven. The majority of humanity was flawed in their eyes, only destined for doom, death and destruction. White straight Christian men always got front row seats in terms of privilege. 

The Archdemons Satan, Lucifer, Leviathan, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Belphegor, and Mammon rule the Seven Rings of Hell. 

Lucifer rules the first Ring of Pride, the location of I.M.P., Hazbin Hotel and the only place where sinners can dwell.  
Mammon, a greedy wolf, rules the second Ring of Greed, the location of Loo-Loo Land.  
Asmodeus a.k.a. ”Ozzie” rules the third Ring of Lust, rivaling Valentino.  
Leviathan rules the fourth Ring of Envy, the location of underwater Mal-antis (Hell Alantis) and where the von Eldritch family may have come from.  
Beelzebub, the fly lord, rules the fifth Ring of Gluttony.  
Satan, the red goat, rules the sixth Ring of Wrath, where Moxxie and Millie are from.  
Belphegor, the inventor sloth, rules the seventh Ring of Sloth. 

In contrast, the seven Archangels rule the Seven Rings of Heaven. 

Michael, Lucifer’s brother and rival, rules the first Ring of Humility, the location of Holy City, (possibly C.H.E.R.U.B.) and the do-gooders. In the 2P Universe, it is where Haven Hotel and E.L.F. are located.  
Camael rules the second Ring of Charity. It is the location of Woo-Hoo Land in the 2P Universe.  
Uriel, the wisdom angel, rules the third Ring of Chasity.  
Zadkiel, the mercy angel, rules the fourth Ring of Loyalty/Faith.  
Raphael, the healer, rules the fifth Ring of Temperance.  
Jophiel, angel of beauty, rules the sixth Ring of Patience.  
Gabriel, the messenger, rules the seventh Ring of Diligence. 

Heaven consisted of the Heavenborn angels and the saints (mortal souls gone to Heaven, opposite of sinners). Both the Heavenborn and Hellborn were of higher class than the former humans. God, Michael and Lucifer have inner circles of officials. Heaven had archangels but no overlords. Territory was shared but saints most often resided in Holy City, the Ring of Humility. They were free to have children, pursue jobs and be themselves within limits. The exterminator weapons could kill demons but not angels unless they were supercharged. Like Hell, Heaven also had mythological creatures that resided. Cherubs served as guardian angels who helped save human lives and blessed them with love. 

Holy City was the main capital of Heaven. Shining buildings of gold, silver, marble and other materials glinted in the sunlight. At night, the sky was filled with bright stars and the glowing teal blue Christian Cross hovering over Holy City. The Exterminators would be busy training in a lower part of Heaven, separate from the rest of society like the military. The denizens of Heaven were both humanoid and had animal-like traits. They were often sheep, dogs, cats, doves, swans and other sacred animals (much like the bi-pedal individuals in Zoophobia). The lesser human/animal denizens had physical features of gems, harps, trumpets, chalices and other holy instruments. 

Not too far away from Holy City lay a beautiful area within the clouds of Heaven. A floating white sign read “Welcome to Elf City: est. 1981.” The sky was blue and the buildings and streets immaculate. The elves were considered to be of a slightly lower class, acting in service roles like the cherubs. Do-gooders (humans who died and went to Heaven) were slightly above them, while the Heaven-Born Angels were considered the upper class. 

Elves of various colors and sizes were chatting among themselves, while others walked around with their families. Many of them were hard at work, wrapping presents for Christmas, saving food to give to the homeless, cleaning a nearby park, and caring for the ill. Some of them liked to volunteer just for something to do. There were also miracle workers, whose job was to travel to different realms and bestow blessings to those on Earth or in other realms in Heaven. (In the Hazbin universe, they were the sheep cherubs). Hell was forbidden for obvious reasons. Some elves went around, saving people’s lives, spreading love or healing their wounds once they prayed. Sometimes they even revived the recently dead on Earth (provided they be dead for less than a few hours.) 

The most well-known miracle bestowing company was located in a tall white office building surrounded by golden halo clouds. The building was decorated with golden wing structures arching off to the sides. Posted on a door were the words “E.L.F. Headquarters” and on a taped piece of paper, “Meeting in progress” was scribbled on it. 

On a white board was a line graph and a bar graph, the line slowly moving downwards from a blue happy face with a halo to a red sad face. “Docile loves you, by Docile” was written off to the side. A white Christian Cross was drawn in the center of the wooden table surrounded by black leather chairs. 

Up front, a black, white, and blue colored elf paced back and forth. He had large pointed white ears that jutted off to the sides between the sides and top of his head. He had large purple eyes. The left side of his face was blue and the right side of his face was dark gray. He wore a long white business suit with blue buttons and purple circles on the sleeves with little white crosses in the centers. White boots with blue outlines covered his feet while white fingerless gloves covered his hands. A white hoof-shaped mark lay on his forehead like a birthmark. A little green pin attached to his undershirt had a happy face on it. A black halo with thorns on it hovered over his head. 

The elf was Docile, a serious asexual individual.

Docile looked toward his audience of two elves and a humanoid cat sitting in chairs around the table.

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit stressful lately. We’ve had to keep up demands and during the rush, not everyone can be saved.” He pointed toward the graph. “It seems that more and more people aren’t counting on miracles from angels and God to help themselves feel better. I don’t know how our company will fare if this keeps sloping down. Now, it’s no one’s fault, okay? I just think that some of us could…benefit from improving their attitude…like Tirred.”

Tirred raised his eyebrows. The elf had a light blue face, purple eyes, and black hair framing his face on the sides. Black freckles were present under his eyes, and a black spiked halo hovered above his head. He wore a light blue bow tie and a white business suit similar to Docile’s. Tirred was often grumpy and, well, tired, but he took his job as a healer seriously. 

Docile continued. “Now does anyone have any ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”

The woman elf, Timmid had short white hair with a black flower spot on it and displayed a row of sharp white teeth. She wore white gloves and a white blouse over a long white skirt. Her eyelashes extended past her face. Like the others, she had a black wiry halo over her head. Timmid was often timid and was the negotiator between humans and elves. Tirred and Timmid were a couple, and were from the Ring of Patience in Heaven (Opposite of Ring of Wrath). 

Timmid thought for a moment and spoke softly, “What…about…a billboard?” 

“That’s a thought, Timmid, but there are advertisements everywhere in Heaven,” Docile mentioned. Then his eyes brightened and he waved his hands. “Oh. How about a car wash?”

Timmid spoke up. “Um, this is Heaven, sir. Cars are already clean here.”

“Good point,” Docile said. “Any other ideas?”

“We can’t just stick to what we’ve been doing before?” Tirred asked with a yawn, adjusting his large bow tie. “Why not just prove those people wrong?”

“So helpful, Tirred, really glad you’re in the room right now,” Docile spoke fast, rolling his eyes. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

Docile turned on the TV and a series of clips showed up on screen: Docile bandaging an angel’s wings, Tirred helping a man walk, Sunna, the cat purring at a crying girl, Timmid saving someone using CPR.

Docile held a bowl of popcorn for everyone to eat. Sunna, the brown furred, black stripped cat, wore a white dress with a sun on it. She wore a gold cross necklace around her neck. She was purring contently while sniffing her last leaf of catnip she brought. A nearby poster showed Docile and his two elf sisters Mia and Tia with an award for being the best performers. A banner read “The Amazing Elf Siblings” above them.

“Ah, those were the good times,” Docile smiled. 

Timmid ate a piece of popcorn on the table, lost in thought. 

Timmid sighed. “Yes indeed,” she said to Docile. “But Tirred seems upset about some of your mistakes.”

“Don’t need any reminding, sir,” Tirred grumbled to his boss, “considering you blew most of our salaries to help a rival pharmaceutical company with their advertisement, one that you additionally paid to have us hold their hands and sing for three whole weeks on a channel, everybody watches!”

“Hey, uh excuse me?” Docile looked back, insulted. He stood up. “What’s so “obnoxious” about generosity and a super fun song, alright? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting lies.” He walked across the room.

“People love musicals, sir,” added Timmid with a small smile.

“Exactly, Timmid,” Docile smiled, “and we’re basically doing a musical.” Docile did jazz hands before turning to Tirred. “Are you gonna criticize my musical theater dreams like my mom did?”

“Sir…” Tirred began, but Docile cut him off. 

“Because all I see right now is my mom and her angry eyes glaring at me, criticizing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

Timmid leaned in toward her husband. “Please don’t make him angry, Tirred,” she begged.

“I’m just stating how it is,” Tirred replied, arms folded. 

“I thought I knew you,” Timmid said, making a face at him. “No need to be a grumpy pants, dear.” Tirred rolled his eyes in response.

Docile turned back to Tirred, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Tirred. And after I made you Employee of the Month.” He held up a picture of Tirred with a large grin of sharp teeth. 

Tirred threw up his hands. “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle and a cheesy song are not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

“But…I liked it!” Timmid popped up.

Tirred turned to her, arms crossed. “Yeah, sure, take his side, why don’t you?”

In a commercial, Docile spoke in front of purple curtains. “Hi I’m Docile, the “e” is silent and I’m the founder of E.L.F.” On an icon, Docile leaned against the L in the logo, with Timmid and Tirred posing on either side. The E.L.F. logo appeared over his hand. Docile continued, “Are you a ray of light that got yourself sent to Heaven?” The picture showed Docile dressed in a superhero outfit with a red cape. “Or are you a conflicted convict who just happened to have your life cut short by someone else?” The next picture showed Docile dressed in a red devil costume choosing whether or not to quit smoking and drugs. 

A nearby sign read the angel’s name that hired E.L.F. A blue winged angel with a tiger’s head spoke with a 333 News billboard in the background, “After defending myself against my psycho brother and preaching about God, you could imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the coronavirus killed me. I really wish I could help my sick sister and advise my family to kick my brother out.”

Docile continued, standing in a church with Timmid and Tirred in white robes nearby.

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by blessing anyone who may have helped you out when you were alive!” Docile happily climbed up a flight of golden stairs.

Then the jingle began:

“When you want somebody saved  
And you wanna go behave  
Call the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows  
Whether First Aid or CPR  
We’ll make sure you all go far  
Efficient Lifesaving Fellows  
We do our job so fine  
‘Cause we come straight from Cloud Nine  
We’ll save your husband or your wife  
We’ll even help extend your life  
The Efficient Lifesaving Fellows

Pets live for freeeeee”

Various clips showed E.L.F. and flying sheep cherubs saving people: lifting a boulder from a human, reviving a human after a car accident, passing out Bibles and food to the homeless, giving money to a school in Africa, humans and angels dancing in a circle…

A brown haired woman stole a guy’s wallet and kicked him in the groin. She ran off and then got shot by police. Yet she only went unconscious. The doctors took her to the emergency room while the elves waited. A doctor walked in on the elves in the waiting room.

“She’s in stable condition, but she’ll need rest and an arrest warrant. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”

“God’s chosen don’t need insurance,” Docile said.

The elves and the woman were promptly kicked out of the hospital and sent back to Heaven.

The jingle ended with “Pets live for freeee!” At the bottom it read: “This company is not to be confused with C.H.E.R.U.B. in the canon parallel Heaven dimension next door. Although nobody really knows about E.L.F., it was founded way before C.H.E.R.U.B. in question. Mary had some little lambs and overstayed her welcome.” 

Tirred spoke up, hands in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Sunna’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give the right info on the client. It’s very simple.”

“I’m sorry, Tirred, I did the best I could,” Sunna said, unfazed.

Tirred fumed. “’Sorry’ doesn’t cover it…do your job!”

“Hey, now we don’t blame screw-ups on Sunna, okay?” Docile said. “She didn’t do anything wrong.” Sunna happily walked over and embraced Docile in a tight hug, Docile straining to break free.

“Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful!”

Sunna thought back to the time when she was a receptionist at a desk. The old rotary phone rang, sounding like cats meowing. She picked up the fish-shaped phone.

“Thank you for calling E.L.F. How may we bless you?” Sunna asked, smiling.

Timmid was on the other end, concern in her voice. “There’s a customer ranting about Satan. He wants to commit suicide…”

“Tell him that suicide will not make things better.”

“He wants to rant and curse you, it will be the end of our company for sure!”

Then Tirred added in a harsh voice next to Timmid: “She’s right. We’re all doomed if we don’t enforce harsh discipline on that scum of a…”

“Just got a call on the other line, apologies, worry warts.” Sunna trilled, hanging up the phone. She read her Fancy Feast Feline magazine.

Another memory came back to Sunna, which took place at her house.

“Happy Adoption Anniversary, Sunny,” said Docile. “I got a little something for you.” He showed her a gift in his hands.

Sunna smiled. “Is it a cure for Covid?”

“I…uh…”

“Then I want it!” she exclaimed happily, tearing open the gift and dropping it on the floor. A flock of white butterflies flew around the room and landed all over her.

“I’m sorry, it was butterflies!” Docile looked on in concern. But Sunna happily batted and played with them, her mouth open in a grin. “God bless you…”

There was one other time when Sunna watched Princess Caroline singing/screaming “Inside of Every Angel is a Monster.” She was in her full Angel form, with black feathery wings and a black halo. Tirred walked over, holding a piece of paper in his hands that read “Moxie 4 U.” His black eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Excuse me um, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss and muscle growth?”

“Yes,” Sunna replied.

“Is it because I’m so handsome already? Better than many of the wimps around here?”

“Come on,” Sunna teased. “Just the opposite.”

Later, Sunna rummaged around, looking for something in the kitchen.

“Who left this tuna salad in the fridge?”

“Wasn’t me,” said Timmid. “It was there from yesterday.”

“Is this yours, Tirred?”

No answer.

“Well, I’m taking it because I have the best feeling right now.”

She closed the door and gulped down the food.

“Now why would you get hyper on a work day?” Timmid asked, nearby.

“I’m happy from this morning, Timmy Tim,” she giggled.

“Don’t call me that,” Timmid said. “I’m not a guy.”

Tirred walked inside. “Isn’t that my lunch? You stole it, you crazy cat!”

“I’m so sorry!” Sunna said, then brightened. “You know what? I’ll just go get you another one before work! Time to enjoy my tenth life!” 

Sunna raced outside with a “Wheeee!” and helped an elderly elf cross the street.

“Docile!” Sunna called in the office, “Your privileged boss’s on the phone. Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTP y.” (Down to Punish)

“Oh Lord that was one time!” Docile yelled, splashing water on himself in front of Tirred. “We wouldn’t have access to the living world if I hadn’t let myself get punished by that privileged jerk face.”

“You what?” Tirred asked, concerned.

“I stole a Bible after getting whipped for the sins I did. Figured I had nothing else to lose.”

“Docile!” Sunna cried.

“I heard you already!” Docile yelled before stomping into his office to play with bobble heads of himself, Timmid and Tirred. 

“So, what can I do you for, Samael?” Docile asked on his cell phone in his office. Inside his office were circus posters and advertisements for church gatherings and “Docile in Choir of Light: one time only!” 

The Angel of Divine Retribution lounged in his palace on a golden sofa. He was dressed in a royal red robe, had white skin and golden short hair. His eyes were golden. On the walls were pictures of him wielding a flaming sword and casting demons into fiery lakes below. Several medals of honor were attached to his clothing. His wings were fiery colors, starting with red orange at the top going to a white-blue at the feathery tips. 

Samael was a companion to Azrael, the dark-haired Angel of Death. Samael and Azrael were generals to the Exterminators/Exorcists who killed demons once every year in Hell. The founders of the Exterminators were God and the merciless Zoophobia angel Adina. 

“There’s a politician who’s causing lots of trouble on Earth for a few of my associates. He wants to convince people that the coronavirus isn’t dangerous.”

“Isn’t it?” Docile asked.

“Well, it is, but more people die when no extra precautions are taken. And it gets crowded here.” Samael sighed, his hand on his chin. 

“Well that makes sense.”

“You know what happens when I’m stressed, Docy?”

“Oh lord no…” Docile began, flinched away from his phone.

Samael’s hair and wings ignited the more he talked.

“When I’m stressed, I become angry. And when I become angry, I have to whip your back and **** strike your **** with a flaming sword, cast you into a windy dessert, freeze you into ice in the lowest level, make you swim in the lake of fire for 1 million ******hours, hang you on a wooden cross for sins you didn’t commit and leave you begging for His mercy ******* like an imperfect mortal!”

Docile hung up the phone, with a look of fear, broke it in half and tossed the pieces to Sunna. “Here play with these.”

Sunna patted the pieces with her paws in fascination. 

“And you know after you put them in your mouth?”

“Yeah?” she asked, eating them.

“Vomit it off a bridge.”

“Ew, no!”

Back at the meeting, Docile continued, “Look, the point is, Sunna is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of families.”

“We aren’t a family, sir,” Tirred pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she’s some hyperactive teenager. She’s more like a catnip addicted spoiled woman you let man the phones.”

Sunna hissed at him.

“That is offensive,” Docile said. “Without spoiled people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.” Docile opened the blinds and saw an angel dressed in a golden suit getting his picture taken by a crowd of people. Docile waved at a lovely white-haired blue-faced elf woman wearing a white dress with little white feathery wings on them before closing the blinds.

Tirred crossed his arms and did air quotes with his fingers. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding Timmid and me outside of work?”

“Come on, it’s not that big a deal,” Timmid said.

Tirred’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?!”

Tirred remembered cooking at their house.

“Hey Tim, could you grab me some lemons?” he called.

“Sure, sweetie,” Timmid said, grabbing a few lemons and heading to the table. 

Docile suddenly appeared from the ceiling, landing gracefully in front of the woman elf. “When life gives you lemons…”

He squashed a lemon, letting the juice fall into a glass. “…the best aide is lemonade.”

Timmid giggled, her smile matching her short white hair.

“What’s so funny, Tim?” Tirred asked his wife.

“The impressive wordplay,” Docile said, serving angel’s food cake on the table.

“What the…Where did you even come from?!” Tirred asked Docile in shock.

In their bedroom in their luxury apartment (a sing above read, “Need a heaven-cat?”) Tirred was woken up by Docile praying for good luck for him.

“What’re you dreaming about?” he asked.

Tirred moaned, “I was dreaming of me disciplining my coworkers and...I’d like to get back to that.”

Timmid and Tirred remembered the song they sang, while Timmid played on an angelic guitar shaped like a swan: 

“Of all the perfect elves,  
It’s with him, I’m myself  
Oh Timmid.”

They leaned in for a kiss when Tirred whirled around toward the window. Docile had a video camera outside.

“Are you bucking filming us right now?!”

Back in the present, Tirred seethed. “Just. Stop. Doing that.”

“I don’t see what the issue is,” Docile said. “Just love good classic romance, holy matrimony…and the honeymoon bonus scenes.”

Sunna rolled her eyes, while Tirred fumed.

“Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!” Tirred stood up.

“Calm down, Tir,” Timmid said, pulling him back down. “You’re gonna have another panic attack.”

“I am calm!” Tirred yelled before Timmid rubbed his black head. “Shh there, there,” she said, while Tirred whimpered.

Docile spoke again. “Look I don’t judge what you do outside of working hours, so don’t judge me.”

Veins popped out of Tirred’s eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.”

He crossed his arms while Timmid gasped in fear.

“Tir, he’s our boss!”

“No, it’s fine, Timmid,” Docile mentioned. “Your husband is just…how do I say this without being offensive…bossy.”

“Does overly criticizing me make you feel better about your sad single life?” Tirred asked.

“Not really, but it’s still fun,” Docile admitted.

Sunna added to Tirred, “Even though you can be a grump sometimes, I still appreciate your company.”

“P-Please don’t call him a grump, pussy cat!” Timmid protested. “You know I don’t like him when he gets mad…”

“Do not criticize my assistant that way,” Docile said. “She’s sensitive.”

“Yes I am,” meowed Sunna.

“You guys are all freaking weird!”

Everyone turned to look. A pale spirit of a brown-haired teen girl floated nearby, wearing a prisoner uniform. 

“Oh, uh…thank you, kid,” said Docile. “It’s something for you to witness this.”

“Ugh, this company’s such a mess,” Tirred exclaimed. “All that paperwork is bad enough without you guys being a pain in my…”

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about our friendship!” Docile said out of nowhere.

“Nobody was talking about that,” Sunna mentioned.

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling, so, I think we’re off to a great start, right?”

The spirit pointed her finger at Docile, “It was heaven being able to rest after being shot by police for mugging a guy, but now…I miss my family. I want life!”

“You,” she said pointing to Docile, “I don’t know who you are but you look like one of Santa’s helpers, if Santa were God. No offence.”

Docile held in laughter. “None taken, miss.”

The spirit added to Tirred, “I see you’re a handsome fellow. If I were to feel comfortable, I’d look you in the eye and ask, “How in the world did I get here?” so…how in the world did I get here?”

“You died,” he deadpanned. The spirit looked taken aback. 

“That’s my husband you’re talking to,” Timmid said, apologetic. 

“Oh? He’s your husband?” the spirit chuckled. “I figured him for an athlete but I didn’t know he’d get even luckier.”

Timmid giggled in response.

And you.” The spirit pointed at Sunna.

“Yeah what about me?” Sunna asked.

“You’re just purrfect. I was never a dog person.”

Sunna purred.

“Wow you really are an amazing ray of sunshine,” Docile said.

Tirred rolled his eyes. “Such a flirt trying to make herself innocent.”

Sunna spoke up. “Hey guys, I just got a text from our client, says she’s the right one to revive after all.”

“Who?” Docile asked.

“Her.”

“Me?” asked the spirit.

“Yep.”

“They wanted us to save an actual convict?” Docile asked. “And it’s been less than an hour since her death?”

“That’s what they’re saying.”

Docile frowned. “Well Satan in a heater, I guess there is a Devil.” He waved his hands, supplying oxygen to her and she woke up back on Earth in the hospital. 

Docile spoke about E.L.F.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like saving people. So from us here at the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is…given to charity and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll be oblivious to it because it’s Heaven and business is business no matter where you are.” 

Everyone wrapped Docile in a hug, while he rolled his eyes. Then he said, “Even though the kid was a target for revival, she’s still a convict. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” Everyone smiled in the hug.

Back on Earth, the woman convict recovered and tried to escape. But the elves threw down pillows at her, distracting her as police closed in. She was soon cornered by the police and sent to a juvenile detention center. The police looked up at the elves through a portal. 

“You’re welcome!” Docile called with a wave before the portal closed.


	2. Heavenuva Boss Episode One: Savior Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a client requests that E.L.F. save a human life, things sure do happen.

Part One: Mrs. Mayberry  
Once upon a time, there was an innocent lovely blonde teacher named Mrs. Mayberry who taught at a typical schoolhouse. 

She taught at a red schoolhouse with a little golden bell at the top of it. “Learning is fun,” was written in bright yellow letters on the side of the building with art of colorful kites and a rainbow on it. A sign at the front read “Puppies Junior School” in sunlight. There were tall green trees and a playground off to the side. The golden bell rang for the start of the day. A blue jay and a cardinal sang from a tree branch as the teacher opened the white curtains. 

The Vivziepop lookalike woman wrote “Good morning!” in white chalk on the green blackboard.

“Good morning!” She twirled in a dance, catching her piece of chalk. She wore a white shirt with colorful red cherries and a long blue-gray skirt. A green pendant rested on her shirt. She wore cherry earrings and round yellow glasses. Her blonde hair was tied back in a flower-like shape behind her. “Have a bright and sunny day” was written on a poster with a large smiling sun with big eyes on it. Nearby was a calendar and an old boxy computer on a desk. A white daisy was in a flower pot. “The word of the day is harmony,” was written on a schedule posted on a board behind the children sitting at desks. The orange curtains by the windows had white math symbols on it. The schedule read “math, history, reading, grammar, science, art and music” as the many school subjects for the days of the week.

“I hope you all did your homework!” she trilled.

The children nodded with a dance to their bodies. One boy wearing an orange shirt spun around in a stool wearing a dunce cap and he faced the wall. The class broke out randomly into song.

“We love to do our homework and we love our teacher too!”

The teacher sang, “And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do.”

“Okay!” they cheered, arms in the air.

She wrote on the board 2 + 6 = 8 and added,

“Two plus six is…”

“Eight!” the class answered.

“And good behavior’s…”

“Great!” they chimed in. 

“And now it’s that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.”

“It’s nine in the morning,” sang a blonde boy…

“On January 8th…” added a black girl. 

“The sun is out smiling,” said a brown haired girl with a bow.

“And it’s your husband’s birthday!” reminded the dunce boy with his tongue out.

As the class sang “la la la,” the teacher found herself scrapping her chalk down in a line on the board. Sweat coated her forehead as the chalk was almost completely broken down. The singing was a constant drone in her head. Her right eye twitched and she turned around. 

“Oh my stars, stop singing children! Hush up now!”

The class fell silent. 

She put a hand to her forehead. “I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday! I didn’t get him anything special.”

The brown haired girl stood up and said, “Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise!”

The teacher and kids gathered around the boxy computer. At the husband’s house, a lone sock fell on the call screen that read “wifey” on it. 

The screen turned on, and everyone gasped in disbelief.

The teacher’s husband was in the process of having sex with another lady!

A tie, a bra and a condom flew against the screen as they straddled naked in their bed. 

“We won’t be needing this,” a voice said as the condom hit the screen with Mrs. Mayberry’s face on the other side.

The teacher sat at her desk, looking stunned, her face turning red. The other woman was so young and beautiful. There was her husband, clad naked and showing off his muscles and parts to her. 

“Oh yeah,” the husband giggled, “Not there, not there.” They seemed to be also playing with sex toys. 

With a blank shadowed look on her face, the teacher suddenly stood up and walked away. If she wasn’t going to be able to divorce that cheating bastard…

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!” called the brown haired girl. She took hold of the teacher’s hand. “Remember what you taught us…think before you act.”

There was a long pause, the class nervous about what she would do next. 

…

Instead of doing an action she would soon regret, Mrs. Mayberry took a deep breath and pat the girl on the head.

“You’re right,” she said. “It’s time to settle this, reasonably.”

She got into her green car with “I love school” on the license plate and headed home on the road. The kids looked out the window and then at the computer.

“Oh sweetie,” said James to Mrs. Mayberry as she came home. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask her the same thing,” Mrs. Mayberry retorted with a glare at Mary, the blonde lady underneath him. 

“Well, I met her at a gun show and decided to take her home for some fun…”

“No.”

“What? It’s just for a day.”

Mrs. Mayberry crossed her arms. “We were going to have a family, James. And you then decide to hook up with her behind my back? What were you thinking?”

“Well…she is pretty hot…”

Mrs. Mayberry’s face turned red and she growled. Her fists clenched and her eyes narrowed to a nearby gun hanging ominously on the wall… 

Mrs. Mayberry closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“You’re…you’re not gonna kill us, are you?” James asked with fear in his words.

“No,” Mrs. Mayberry declared. “But I will file for divorce. Now if you two love each other so much…get the dying buck out of my house!”

The couple obliged, leaving the school teacher sitting on her bed, head buried in her hands. 

The children watched her sadly on the other side of the screen.

“Oh? I’m so sorry, children,” she said as she saw them. “Don’t forget to work on your timestamps. I’ll be back soon.”

The children nodded and went back to their desks. 

Mrs. Mayberry narrated as she paced the E.L.F. office floor:  
“I was a good person before it all went down. I was average my entire life. You try your best at everything, learn from all your trials…and by some stroke of luck, you end up in Heaven with all the Martin Luther Kings and Teresas of the world. After almost being sent to Hell for one bad mistake. So I am here now…to make further amends.”

Mrs. Mayberry stepped into the light from the window. She was now an angel, with white hair in a similar flowery shape she had in life. White wings were folded behind her and a white halo hovered above her head. She wore her usual square thin glasses and her light purple dress was decorated with cherries. In the center were her pendant used to be on her chest was a small golden eye. Her feline-like eyes were a brilliant emerald green that sometimes appeared golden in the sunlight. Additionally, she had a small furry cat tail and white cat ears with cherry earrings on them. In Heaven, she was a popular preschool teacher and flying instructor to the little angel children. 

The head elf of E.L.F., Docile, listened intently from his office chair. 

“Interesting. So your husband Jarold had sex with Martha…”

“James and Mary,” Mrs. Mayberry corrected.

“Sorry,” Docile said. “Both of them survived. How are they now?”

Mrs. Mayberry sighed. “My husband eventually got tired of Mary and started nasty rumors about her being a whore. Mary felt bad about what she did and offered to make it up for me. But by then, I had decided to adopt a few kids to call my own. I worked at school and made sure my kids got a great education, of course. Their names are June and Cherry, by the way.”

“Lovely names!” Docile beamed.

“Thank you. But…last time I checked before my death, James had died. I died of Covid several years after my kids became teens.” 

“Sorry to hear. But why come to us?” Docile asked, standing up. “E.L.F. aims to save those who are still alive, and from the looks of things, the people you knew in your life appear to either be in Heaven or Hell.”

“Not all of them,” Mayberry explained. “Mary is still alive. Now they all call her a villain.”

“How does it feel to be such a crazy bitch?” one woman reporter mocked the blonde Mary. 

“I just hope my friend Mayberry has it better than you,” she spat.

“You are a coward. I’ll steal your money!”

“No thank you!” Mary glared as she and her husband Ralph shoved the reporters aside. 

Mayberry explained, “Between the insults and remarks, my poor friend got into so much debt and depression. Being spared was the worst thing to happen to her!”

“You’re a villain!” mocked a reporter.

“You’re a villain, girl!” said an angry jogger, bumping into her on purpose.

“Ooooh, a big bad villain you are!” smirked her husband when they were in bed, the only time she liked being called that.

“My mama’s a villain to villains!” her son declared, wearing a baseball cap.

“She is a villain!” remarked the smiling brown-haired cashier lady, Brook with an otherworldly look in her eyes. 

“You’re a villain!” cried a pagan hippie, scooting away from Mary against doors with pentagrams on it.

“You’re a villain?!” exclaimed the children as they stared in confusion as Mary taught a “How to Deal With Heartbreak 101” class.

Mary cried as she came down with a deathly illness as her family watched. “Maybe I am a villain whore,” she thought, silently praying to God. “I’ve made mistakes…I just want to do more good in this world. Please, help me…”

“She’s not a villain!” yelled Mrs. Mayberry in frustration, getting into Docile’s face.

“Oh yes, yes, my thoughts exactly,” Docile said with a nervous look. He repeatedly pushed a button under his desk. 

The red light lit up over a label that read “Distressed Client.” The other labels read “More Tea,” “Client Giving Birth,” “Fell Asleep,” “Entranced Client,” “Ghost,” and “Samael.” 

In another room, a black-haired elf man Tirred was busy giving CPR to a family of mannequins lying down on the floor. Tirred hesitated when he came up to the woman mannequin wearing a Satanic necklace.

“Tirred, stop shaking,” his wife Timmid said. “You’re gonna accidentally press against our only Heaven Cat!”

Sunna the cat lay down nearby, wearing her usual white sun dress and goofy grin. 

“Please be gentle,” she said, staring at the ceiling. Tirred scoffed at Sunna and yawned in her face.

“Just take a deep breath,” Timmid said, talking more to herself as she inhaled, “…and let it out.”

“But…it’s a family,” Tirred grumbled. “Under what circumstances would we ever need to bless a human family for no reason?”

“I mean, if that’s what the client wants,” Timmid began, as Tirred stood up.

“Maybe like a heroic mom, or a family of veterans and charity workers.” He spoke through his teeth. “That’s understandable.” Then he talked normally. “But to grant miracles to an entire immoral…seemingly immoral, lower working class family bloodline?”

“Hey!” Sunna pipped up, standing up. “You don’t know they’re immoral.” She pointed down to the boy mannequin. “This kid probably saves dogs from fire.” She pointed to the girl. “Maybe this girl feels a purpose to stand up for kids in other countries.” She pointed to the father. “And this guy…”

Sunna closed her eyes. “The guy definitely worships.”

“Exactly,” Timmid said. “Humanity can be full of goodness, it’s why a select few are able to come up here. But innocent and guilty aren’t our business, Tir.” She cupped her husband’s cheeks. “Saving who we’re paid to is our business. Choose a victim.”

She kissed Tirred and he knelt down again. 

“I just think it’s a bit excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.”

Just then, Docile entered the room, followed by angel Mrs. Mayberry.

“Guys! I want you to meet…”

Tirred accidentally slammed his mannequin hard with both fists and it shot up into the air, hitting the ceiling. It bounced onto the other mannequins, frightened Sunna, slammed against an altar, and rolled toward Mrs. Mayberry before Docile stopped it with one foot.

“…our newest client!”

The flaming bowl on the altar crashed to the floor as fire spread through the room. The water sprinklers overhead came on, flooding the room.

“Darn it, Tirred, I just cleansed that altar!” Docile yelled. 

Eventually, they dried up the room and waited outside. Other elves came into help, replacing water-worn furniture and carpets. Mrs. Mayberry got into a yellow taxi cab that took off into the air on white wings.

“Bye!” called Docile, “and don’t worry, we’ll save your friend in less than 24 hours or you’re first revival is free!” He waved as Mrs. Mayberry left.

“When did we start implementing that deal?” Tirred asked, frowning.

“When you set a flood to my office in front of a client you glooming lunatic!” Docile yelled, “Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!”

“You mean our only ticket to the living world?” Sunna asked, pulling out a black leather-bound Bible from behind her. “Yeah, got it.”

“And that’s why you’re my favorite, Sunny!” Docile said, baby-talking her. “You get some milk now.”

He pulled out a glass of milk and held it in front of her. He then tilted back his head and poured the milk into his mouth in a smooth arc.  
“Stop it,” Sunna said, annoyed that he had stolen her milk and teased her. Then she got an idea and gasped. “It’s spoiled!”

Docile’s eyes went wide and he coughed up splatters of milk onto the ground. 

“Ergh, so gross,” Docile grumbled as he wiped off milk stains from his outfit and coughed again.

“You sound like you’re coughing up a hairball, so gross,” Sunna smirked.

“Oh stop that, I get enough of that from my therapist.”

Sunna giggled as she left. 

Timmid held a Bible in her hands and quietly chanted a psalm, while drawing a symbol with chalk. A glowing blue Christian Cross surrounded by a circle appeared on a wall, opening up a portal to the living world.

Nearby, an advertisement read in misspellings: “Knead someone to save in da living worlds?! Com to E Ell Fuu ck?! Be sure to position dis sign up rite. Payment arrives via mail snail in one weak, so bee patient. -- Speech to text, Docile.”

Docile turned to his employees. “Now let’s go bless the mess!”

“The expression is, ‘bless the best’, Docile,” Timmid said with a smile, as she walked through the portal.

“Mine’s better,” Docile mentioned, following her.

“Oh, flames under copper kettles,” Tirred swore with a sigh as he followed the two through the portal. 

Part Two: The Elves’ Adventure

The three elves stood in front of a shabby house by a lake and forest. Tirred and Docile leaned against the side of the house, coming up from the bushes.

Docile looked through the window. “That’s gotta be her,” he whispered. “Tirred, you want this one?”

“Me?” he asked, surprised. 

“Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle.”

Tirred peered through the window. Mary was sick in her bed, cursing up a storm and gagging. Her family stood by her bedside, the older daughter taking a puff of a cigarette. 

“It’s just a sick mother who doesn’t have anything left to live for.”

Tirred hesitated. Why would there be any reason to bless this family? The woman cursed, cheated on her husband and was probably a Satanist.

“Snooze you lose, Tir,” Docile said. He pointed an angelic staff at the window. “And here we go…”

“Wait, are we actually saving a family?!” Tirred asked, teeth bared.

“No, don’t be foolish, we’re just curing a mother. We’re extending a family.”

He aimed the staff at her, the black planet orb on the staff starting to glow teal.

“But…” Tirred began. “Hold on, hold on, let’s just think about it…”

He lifted up Docile’s staff and the beam fired. It hit a nearby cracked mirror in the house and it repaired itself. Everyone in the room gasped. 

“What was that, Ralph?” Mary asked.

“I don’t know Mary,” Ralph replied, shaking his head. He was built like a muscular man with brown hair. “But whatever it is…” 

He stood up and held a large net. “They’re gonna be the keys to our future!”

Mary smiled and took a big gulp of water. “Alright kids! Nets out!”

The boy and girl took out nets and held their silver cross necklaces.

“Looks like we’ve got some genies to catch here, youngins!” Ralph said with a chuckle as the kids cheered. 

“What in Heaven’s name was that, Tirred?” asked a fuming Docile.

Tirred took a deep breath and replied carelessly. “They just seemed so flawed and pathetic. I reacted.”

Docile face-palmed and poked Tirred in the chest several times. “Everyone is flawed and pathetic but who isn’t innocent in the beginning? At the start, you were just an innocent baby with no knowledge of hate or evil! Now get over yourself you grouchy blue downer!”

The kids jumped out of the open window, reflecting sunlight.

“A new light!” cried Docile. “Scatter!”

Docile and Timmid ran off as Ralph carried his wife through a door after them. Tirred looked around, only for a child’s hand to playfully pull at his ears. He yelped and tried to shoo the kids away before they dragged the short elf man back into the house.

“Where are you going, little critter?” called Ralph, as he chased after Timmid. “You can’t hide long from me.” Timmid hid under the dock, before bursting onto the surface. She shot a blue blast but Ralph dodged it. Timmid tried to cast a sleeping spell on him, and jumped into the air.

With a well-aimed swipe, Ralph caught Timmid in the giant strong net. Timmid struggled to get free as Ralph smiled kindly down at her. 

Meanwhile, Tirred was dragged into the house and was seated in a comfortable chair. The two kids, a boy with brown hair and a girl with light brown pigtails stared at him with puppy-dog eyes.

“Uh, well hello there little brats,” Tirred grumbled. “Aren’t you annoying?”

“It’s nice to have a critter to grant our wishes,” they said. 

Tirred looked around and saw Christian Crosses hanging from the walls. Golden picture frames held awards that the family had won over the years. Beautiful white candles lined the room along with sculptures of cherub babies and unicorns. A bouquet of colorful flowers lay on the table in front of Tirred. 

The two children pushed a long scroll of paper toward him. 

“Oh sprites,” he scoffed. 

Meanwhile, Docile was racing through the woods, Ralph chasing after him after capturing Timmid. Docile hid behind a tree in fear. 

“I know you’re confused, little angel,” Ralph called out. “I promise, I can make things good for both of us. Just come let daddy Ralph help you ascend to even greater heights! Ah…it… it’s not what it may sound like, I assure you, so please let me take you back!”

Docile’s phone rang with a loud angelic choir and he struggled a bit before finally catching it. His phone had a smiling halo emoji that read GBY (Go Bless Yourself). 

“This is a really bad time,” Docile muttered, the phone against his ear.

At Samael’s palace in Heaven, the shirtless, well-muscled angel was sitting in a lotus position, eyes closed in a steamy dark room with hot coals underneath him. 

“When isn’t it a bad time, Docy?” he mused. 

“What is it?” Docile asked in frustration. Samael held a rotary phone to his ear, the speakers shaped like skulls. 

“I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last conversation regarding my Bible?”

Docile’s angry face appeared in smoke. “What did you just call me?” Samael blew it away.

“My book, Docy. The book I was given to do my job that I have allowed you to use to do yours?”

Docile ducked as a net nearly entangled his feet. “I can hear, ya, cherub!” Ralph called.

“Sugar honey iced tea,” Docile muttered, scurrying off. 

“Anywho,” Samael continued, “You know, I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm less than legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my duties. I was thinking, what if we worked out some sort of exchange?” 

He added, “Favors for favors?” as he slowly scrapped his claws along the floor. “Doesn’t that sound…foreboding?”

Docile ducked behind another tree. “You’ve got to stop with that fancy rich people talk. I’m trying to concentrate on not getting my corp twisted up!”

The net almost got his head from above him.

“Then let me keep it simple,” Samael said. “Once a month, on the new moon, you return the book to me, followed by a night of…”

He grinned evilly, stretching his legs and sinking into the lava, “Grueling repentance.” He leaned out over the hole. “And… you get to keep it the rest of the time. Sound fair my little elf?”

“Fine, whatever!” Docile replied.

“Oh, Docy! I’m so excited! I cannot wait to put you up on a torture rack and pinch your filthy blue **** with a blade of ****…”

Docile was soon pinned to the tree by Ralph. “Gotcha!” Docile’s phone dropped and Samael was still talking.

Ralph grinned. “So, you’re a little angel, huh? Come to say hello without staying?”

Mary slowly came forward from behind her husband and added, “Well not today, Jesus! Y’all will grant our desires and then we’ll send ya back to where ya came from! B-but don’t worry, we ain’t gonna kill ya, you’ll just travel back through the sky.”

Back at the house, Tirred was mindlessly scanning a list of requests that the kids had placed in front of him. The lists read misspelled things like: “Pwease save our mother!” “Give me a brand new pony.” “I want the humans of dis world to not be mindless apes and start care-ring for each other.” “All Earth-ings deserve a second chance unless you’re Hitler or Trump.” “End pe-dough-pile and insect familial shipping.” The last request was most unusual: “Give us the next Has-Been cartoon episode along with a four inch wide, five inch deep bowl of jazz-berries, strawberry sugar on top.” 

Just then, Tirred saw figures in white head to the lake.

“Timmid,” Tirred sighed. Strengthening his resolve, he put on his fiercest face, stood up with claws out and said in a deep voice to the children…

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.”

He didn’t even know why he said that, but it was enough to confuse the children long enough for him to dash through a window and race toward the lake.

Ralph and Mary were singing heavenly melodies in hooded white robes as Timmid and Docile were tied to their own staffs. Candles were lit and an altar with a bowl of holy water stood nearby. 

“Sugar honey iced tea, I had that shot, gosh darn it, Tirred,” Docile scoffed. Both struggled to get free.

“Jesus!” Mary said with the last of her strength. “We compel your divine creatures to grant us our many well-thought out wishes! May the root of holiness remained honored as we continue thy work!”

Ralph clapped his hands in excitement. 

With coughs, Mary picked up the bowl of holy water with shaking hands. She then walked over to the elves and poured the water over their heads. 

Mary and Ralph smiled expectantly for a moment.

“Yeah, that’s not exactly how it works, ma’am,” Docile said. “You see holy water doesn’t really let us be entranced but we could pretend to be if you let us go.”

“Huh? Oh poop.” Then she got an idea. “Then I’ll just bless you guys instead! You want to meet Jesus in person, don’t you?”

“I’ve always wanted to meet him in person,” Docile said. “I heard he’s kind of a hippie.”

“Docile!” Timmid scolded. 

Mary laughed for a few seconds until she clutched at her chest. The illness had finally gotten to her and she collapsed to the ground. Ralph screamed at the sight of his newly deceased wife. Tirred arrived from behind and placed his staff against Mary’s chest. After a flash of teal light, the woman was healed. Mary gasped for breath saying, “Where am I?”

“Tirred!” Timmid called out. Tirred ran over and freed his companions. 

“You’re not getting your paycheck for this one, Tir,” Docile remarked as he fell down, his staff falling and bonking him on the head. “Ow!”

Timmid and Tirred embraced as the human family sobbed in happiness, sitting on the ground. 

“I’m okay,” Docile moaned. Tirred helped him up. “I’m sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and put us in harm’s way. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

“Apology accepted this time,” Docile said, hugging him. Then he muttered, “But if you ever pull off a stunt like this again, I’ll overwork you and your wife…alright!” he added quickly standing up. “Job well done! Now let’s get off.” 

“Wait a second,” Tirred called. “I need to settle things with them.”

“Ok, but hurry up,” Docile said, before saying into his phone, “Sunna, we’re ready to come home, dear!”

Tirred could briefly hear Docile and Samael talking. Samael was saying something like, “You and I are on ****** angel’s eyeballs and hot gold all night.”

Tirred stared at Ralph who was hugging his wife and two children in his arms. 

“What are you gonna do, little guy?” Ralph asked. “Bless us some more?”

“I should,” Tirred said, aiming his staff at them before lowering it. “You people are…interesting. But, you deserve a word of warning. Look at your children. They have their whole future ahead of them. Do not be swayed down the path of greed and unfaithfulness. Remember, there’s still an 85% chance that you’ll go to Hell. I hope you won’t feel so compelled to pursue any more selfish desires.”

Tirred gave them one last glare and left, meeting the other elves back at the portal in the dark woods.

“There you are,” Docile said. “Have a good spiritual reflection session, Tirred?”

“What?”

“Look, I don’t care where you pray in the living world, just pray you’ll come to work on time, alright? See you at the office!” He raced through the portal.

“Feeling better now, honey?” Timmid asked.

“Yeah, I just needed a little time to process,” Tirred said.

“You have a good heart, sweetie,” Timmid said. “Just a grumpy head.” She playfully pinched her husband’s cheek and kissed him. A dopy expression came on Tirred’s usually grumpy face. Docile pulled him back through the portal.

Back at the office, two of the elves, Sunna and Mrs. Mayberry had cake and laughed. “We did it,” was written in blue frosting on the white angel’s food cake. (Devil’s food cake was forbidden). Everyone laughed except for a fuming Tirred who sat in the middle. A banner overhead read: “saved the dame.” Tirred was angry that they had saved a woman who appeared quite flawed in the eyes of many in Heaven. 

Tirred wasn’t sure if he agreed to the “senseless blessings” morals of E.L.F. anymore. 

Timmid hugged Tirred around his neck and smiled. “Did you see that? He did it! Oh Tirred!”

“Well here’s to another mission accomplished,” Docile announced. “And Tirred here finally learned to fess up.”

“And blessing people with what they don’t want, but rather with what they need is no big deal if they are too involved with what they want for themselves,” Timmid added.

“That’s harsh and confusing, but I paid for it!” Mayberry added as everyone except Tirred laughed again.

“Yeah, bless that family!” Docile declared. 

Several weeks later, Tirred was longing around in his office, listening to some rock music. He wondered what kind of craziness he’d have to deal with today.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. “Hey Tirred, it’s me, Docile. Got some news for ya.”

“Come in,” he grumbled. 

The door opened and Docile peered in. Tirred walked over. “Can I help you, sir?” he asked, eye brow raised. 

“You’re not gonna believe who I just met!”

Docile smiled with a giddy look and stepped to the side. Reaching to his legs stood two kids; a boy and a girl with white wings and halos.

“Two new kids, so what?” Tirred asked.

“Not just any kids,” Docile mentioned. “These two are Mary’s kids. You saved her life remember?”

“Wait, what?” Tirred asked, louder, eyes wide. 

“By saving her life, you also saved the lives of her husband Ralph and their kids! And now they all died!”

“Hold up, hold up, sir! Why are they dead and in Heaven, then? I thought they died of the Covid virus right away.”

“Well…Ralph did, but Mary managed to raise them a little longer.”

“You and your inconsistency! Why are you so happy to have them here, then?!”

The two winged children began chasing each other around the room.

“Hey, do you two mind getting out of my office?! It’s not a playground,” Tirred demanded. 

“Because they lived great lives and didn’t get sent to Hell!” Docile replied. “It means we’ve succeeded in our job!”

“Are you kidding me? They had their whole lives ahead of them!”

“Death ain’t picky, Tirred,” Docile finished.

The two kids flew over and hopped into Tirred’s lap. One of them pinched his cheeks and the other made funny faces at him. Mary and Ralph smiled in the background behind Docile. 

Tirred let out a grumpy groan. “Who knew Heaven would be Hell on Earth?” he muttered as one of the kids blew a raspberry at him. Docile chuckled at the heart-warming sight.


	3. Heavenuva Boss Episode Two: Woo-Hoo Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Docile is assigned to accompany Azrael's adopted daughter Quartet to Woo-Hoo Land, things sure do happen.

Part One: Quartet  
Azrael “Angel of God” was the Archangel of Death, and like God’s Accuser Samael and other angels of death, he oversaw the annual exterminations that occurred every year in Hell. (Adina was the founder of the Exorcists) Samael was buff, bold, blonde and fiery in appearance but not Azrael. In his true form, he appeared as a gaunt skeletal man with multiple arms, glowing eyes and a dozen black feathery wings (Sometimes covered with eyes) extending from his back. In his everyday form, he had thick long black hair sometimes cut short, dark eyes like black holes, and a pale ghostly face. He wore a black well-ironed uniform, a dark hood and carried a sharp reaper scythe wherever he went. When he was young, he dreaded doing his destined profession, but over time, he grew used to taking life, though he often hid his somber feelings from everyone. He kept a special book where he recorded births and deaths of individuals, a rather tedious task.

Contrary to the ruthless Samael and the cold-hearted Adina, Azrael despised the thought of killing sinners for enjoyment. Death was, after all, a loss of life, no matter if the person had sinned or not. He especially cringed at the various torture methods employed by Samael and Adina. Comparing Samael’s burning, eye-gorging methods to Adina instilling visions of a sinner’s greatest fears, he didn’t know which was worse. He only allowed the exterminators because 1. It was tradition and God’s order and 2. The sinners’ deaths would be more merciful with the angelic weapons as it was claimed. (But when Azrael discovered that the essences of sinners became part of Hell’s infrastructure, he was horrified but could do nothing about it.) And so, Azrael faithfully and somberly carried out his duties to reap souls and help escort them to the afterlife, providing his victims with as much solace as possible. For those who had sinned, the reaping of their souls was more painful. God would inform Azrael of when it would be time to take a soul…thus Azrael was quite busy. 

Azrael also lived in a palace like Samael and other Archangels. However, while Samael’s place was full of fiery torches, golden walls and weapons, Azrael’s palace was, well, deathlike. The palace was made of onyx and frequently decorated with bones of animals, demons, angels and humans alike. Strangely enough, Azrael’s palace lay underneath Samael’s crimson palace on the outskirts of Heaven. Both men were keepers of the Bible and several books that allowed passage to the other realms. In Samael’s basement, there was a trapdoor portal that led down into Azrael’s attic. Both men needed permission from the other to go into their respective homes. 

Azrael’s palace, concealed within dark clouds had an underground feel to it. In some areas, the walls were made of black stone, with iron torches emitting teal blue fire that felt icy cold. It had several bedrooms, a living room, a dining room and a vast high-ceilinged kitchen. The chandeliers were decorated with human skulls over the dark polished dining room table that was shaped like a coffin. A bookcase held several books about human anatomy, diseases, funeral rites, necromancy, undertaking, biology and a few on astronomy. A few of the rooms had large windows to let in light and show a stunning view of the heavenly sky outside. 

Azrael had a lovely wife Flora (Stella’s opposite) and a bubbly nature loving swan daughter: Quartet Enoch (Octavia’s opposite) who was born in April. Well, he was actually her adoptive father. Her real father, Mendael was one of the 72 angels and previous husband of Flora. Mendael was the opposite of the Ars Goetia demon Stolas. Preoccupied with nature and God, the part swan workaholic Mendael didn’t concern himself with raising her, so the nature angel Flora did it instead. Azrael and Flora fell in love and he became her adoptive father. 

Before she was 117 (mentally 17), Quartet was a young child hundreds of years ago. 

“Mommy! Daddy!”

The child voice of their daughter rang from the other room. Sleeping in the master bedroom were Azrael and Flora. Flora was an angel of nature, with earthly brown hair and green dresses decorated with flowers and gems. Her wings would sometimes glow translucent, shimmering with rainbow light. Flora had fallen in love with Azrael and he soon took her away into his dark domain along with a baby Quartet. (Flora’s mother wasn’t too pleased). 

“Tet is calling us, Azrael,” mumbled Flora next to him.

“You get up,” Azrael grumbled. “I have work early this morning.”

Just then, Quartet came bustling into the room with a big grin on her face. She was a young blonde humanoid girl with features of a swan. White hair, a white feathery face, green eyes and a dark green dress with black flowers on it. 

She floated onto the bed with her small white wings as her parents sat up. “I had a dream! A really good dream!”

Azrael yawned. “You’re telling us now at three in the morning?”

“It’s alright,” Flora said, her black hair and eyes matching her daughters. 

Quartet spread her arms. “I was dancing with you all over the palace. We were singing songs about sunshine and life! And everyone could be alive again…”

Azrael scoffed. “Some thoughts from the daughter of death.”

Flora glared at her husband then smiled down at her. “I think that dream sounds marvelous, my special little Seadrop. But I think it’s time to go to sleep.”

“Can you sing me a lullaby?” Quartet asked. “I promise I’ll go right to sleep. Please?” 

Flora looked earnestly at her husband who sighed. “Fine.”

He stood up and carried his daughter back into her room. The room had black walls which were decorated with cut up colorful flowers. She had a canopy over her bed like a princess and snake stuffed animals littered the floor. On a dresser was a figure of Jesus on a wooden cross. 

“It may not seem like it now, but…I won’t always be here for you,” Azrael said as he sat on the bed with her in his lap. “Life isn’t just fun and games. You must remember, no matter what happens to me, I’ll never be far away.” Quartet’s face fell as she pondered his words. 

Azrael flipped through a Bible, past a spell page used to travel to Earth. He waved his hand and a portal appeared below them. He sang in a calm tone.

“It always seems foreboding in the depths”

The two of them fell through the portal and into a vast ocean. They were surrounded by swaying seaweed, gold fish and a rocky bottom. 

Rahab, an underwater fallen angel sat on the sea floor, all chained up. He had flowing blue hair that circled his head in a tangled mess. Some areas of his skin were covered with barnacles and spines, almost like he was part of the ocean itself. Similar to Tiamat and Leviathan, he was seen as a water dragon of chaos. But Quartet only saw a longing for peace and freedom when she gazed into his fathomless eyes. 

Azrael turned her away from him and continued his song. 

“Mystery with each step”

“How silence grows under the sea”

“Bottomless as can be”

He carried his adoptive daughter, walking underwater, both of them breathing normally. 

As Azrael took steps, the flora and animals around him shriveled up and died. 

“I used to think that I was brave”

“That duty was all said and done”

“And now all my stories have been told”

“Except for one”

He looked down at his daughter with love and uncertainty in his eyes as they rose to the sea surface. 

A giant tidal wave swept up and crashed onto a nearby town. 

“As the waves start to arise, I hope it comes as no surprise”

“That even on that day”

He hugged her, trying to get her to sleep.

“Everything will be okay.”

Overhead, lightning flashed across the sky. The ground shook and broke apart while volcanos spewed lava and ash that coated all of Earth. 

“And when the Heavens crash aground”

“And you hear the trumpets sound”

“You will make it through”

“And I’ll try and be here for you.”

Quartet yawned and feel asleep in her father’s arms. Angels blew trumpets as they flew over armies clashing below. A leopard with 666 on it was slain with a splash on a shore. Flames and dark magic were tearing two worlds apart, one in white clouds, the other in brimstone. Dark angels holding spears fought off monstrous humanoids, demons, dragons and hellhounds. Lucifer and Michael were squaring off, wielding powerful flaming swords. Lilith was yelling at a ruthless angel in white who was tormenting demons around her. A bunch of other angels stood in the clouds, ready to fire arrows at any demon they saw. Humans screamed and ran for cover nearby. 

And a horned blond princess stood before a man in a throne, her body ignited on fire. Flames encircled her and swirled protectively around several demons. She appeared to be trying to take demons with her, while the portals to the crumbling worlds tried to suck its inhabitants back through.

Charlie’s hair briefly turned white with pink highlights in it. She let out a high pitched musical scream and the world filled with an intensely bright light. 

“And when creation turns to dust”

“We will do what we must”

“Upon my last day”

“You will still be okay.”

The portal closed as Azrael draped a skull blanket over a sleeping Quartet. He looked back at her one last time before closing the door. 

Many years later…

Quartet at age 17 rose out of bed and happily put in her earbuds. A happy pop song called “Life Is Shining Around Me” played as she hummed along. Her room had black walls and a few skulls here and there but that was where the similarities between her and her father ended. 

Cut out colorful flowers and musical posters hung around her room. Her bed and rug were bright grass green. Some of the posters showed a variety of animals in a forest with “All life matters” on it. There were books of nature, weather, herbs, geography, geology and even the study of snow. 

Quartet was the opposite of a stark, gloomy goth teenager. To her adoptive father’s surprise, she was more like a Barbie or a Disney princess at times. She would often spend her time writing and listening to cheerful songs, possibly to make things less depressing. Azrael loved his daughter, but found her cheerfulness to be out of his comfort zone. 

Quartet strolled down a hallway, dodging and maneuvering around venomous snakes that were pets of Azrael. She wore dark pants, heels and a green shirt with black skulls on it. (There were a few traits she had adopted as she lived with Azrael.) 

“Morning Mom! Morning Dad!” she called cheerfully as she walked into the kitchen. 

“Are you day-dreaming about Samael again?” Flora asked Azrael in suspicion.

“Of course not,” he replied. “He’s a pompous hot-headed brass-hole that needs to really chill out.”

“Then why are you writing down ‘He’s a fire to my life, a dangerous savior of strife,’ on the paper?”

A blushing Azrael glanced at the “Oh Samael” song lyrics surrounded by heart doodles and crumbled it up. “Just a little thought, nothing more. Though he’s been pestering my favorite elf friend, bribing him to hand over a Bible and be punished every month. If he weren’t so sadistic, he could very well be…I’ll just stop talking…”

He paused under Flora’s cold glare. Flora rolled her eyes, gave Quartet a hug, and gave an elf butler some blueberries before she left the room. 

Quartet sat down and got ready to have some cereal. “Camael Crunch” was on the cereal box. She drank from a mug. 

“What are you listening to?” Azrael asked casually.

“’My World Is Shining Around Me’ by Love You Dad. It’s a band,” Quartet replied. 

Azrael opened up a fridge, took out a piece of steak and tossed it to a nearby giant snake covered with eyes on its scales in an adjacent area. The snake chewed and gobbled up its meal. 

Quartet brightened as she came up with an idea. ”You know what we haven’t done in a long, long time?” She went over to her father with a smile. “We haven’t been to one of my favorite places in Heaven! Why don’t we go to Woo-Hoo Land?”

“You’re not five anymore,” Azrael remarked. 

“I was always so happy when we went to Woo-Hoo Land! What do you say we go there again? Just the two of us?”

“I don’t suppose reaping myself would make things better?” Azrael muttered.

“That’s the spirit!” Quartet said, bypassing his comment. “Anything but staying in this house. Now go call some more people to come with us.”

“More people?”

“Of course,” said Quartet. “Two people isn’t as much fun. Three and four make a party!”

Azrael walked over to a rotary phone with skull shaped speakers carried by the elf butler. 

“You do realize I have a lot of work to do,” he said.

“You can always go back to it!” Quartet mentioned. 

“I’m only doing this for you,” he said as he rotated the dial. 

At the E.L.F. office, Tirred was playing with figures of Docile and Timmid made of office supplies.

“Oh Tirred, I’ve been a horrible boss,” Tirred mimicked Docile who was an eraser. “I’ll do whatever you ask,” Tirred mimicked Timmid, a paper clip and pencil. “Me too,” Tirred mimicked Docile again. 

“Let’s three-way!” Tirred spoke in his normal voice as he put the supplies near his crotch.

There was a loud knock on his door.

“What?” Tirred yelled as he scrambled to put the supplies away. 

“Docile wants to see us,” Timmid said with a flinch. 

In Docile’s office, Docile was talking to Azrael on his cell phone. A white mug was in front of him with the words “#2 Boss, God is #1” on it.

“Azrael, sir, It’s been a while.”

“Indeed. Has Samael been troubling you again?”

“Yep.”

“Do me a favor and don’t subject yourself to his punishments. He might need the Bible for his work, but I do as well, and I’m his boss.”

“Oh. Uh, I’ll get it to you as soon as I can…”

“But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m taking my daughter to Woo-Hoo Land and I was hoping you noble elves would accompany us.”

“That does sound fun, but we’re guardian angels, not bodyguards.”

“Close enough. I’ll pay you.”

“With what?”

“Money.”

“We never ask for fees,” Docile said.

Azrael sighed, rolling his eyes. “You’ll get to play Save the Soul, and I’ll give you a free Gabriel’s Trumpet toy.”

“Done!” Docile affirmed, hanging up. He produced a megaphone. “T and T, get in here! We’re going to Woo-Hoo Land!”

“Woo-Hoo Land?” Tirred asked, eye brow raised.

“Woo-Hoo Land?” Timmid asked fearfully, bumping into the door.

“Woo-Hoo Land!” Docile confirmed. 

“Wake me up when it’s over,” Sunna called from another room. 

Part Two: Woo-Hoo Land

Docile drove the group (minus Sunna) down a golden highway in a blue van. The exit sign to the right read “Ring of Charity, Exit 33.” 

After getting past toll booths and security, they made it to the amusement park. The van pulled into a crowded parking lot. The van door had an E.L.F. decal in bright blue on it. Tirred wore a white suit and sunglasses. He got out and pulled open the van door. Azrael’s dark silhouette appeared with red eyes before he hopped out with a look of annoyance on his face. Quartet’s green eyes glowed in the darkness before she cheerfully hopped out as well. 

“Whoa!” Quartet exclaimed in admiration.

A large red sign with a lit up border overhead read “Camael’s Woo-Hoo World.” Blueberry structures with faces on them were part of the decorations. Quartet already had a navy blue skirt and a black shirt with a blueberry on it complete with a blue hat with angel wings on it. 

A nearby ticket booth read, “Buy one, get one free.” A blue jester poster held a welcome sign near the front gate. A vendor was giving out free tickets and coins to the guests. There were Ferris Wheels, roller coasters, moving swing rides and endless booths. Azrael grumbled as he followed his daughter and the elves. 

Docile walked with Azrael past a stand selling blueberry “Woo-Hoo Hats.” 

“Remember,” said Docile. “I’m here to have fun, but eventually I’ll need to go back to work. Humans aren’t going to save themselves, you know.”

Azrael stayed silent.

“Not like you’d understand, anyway,” Docile continued. 

Azrael turned to him, pointing with an accusing finger. “If you try to embarrass me in this park, I swear…”

“Swearing’s not allowed,” Docile added. 

“You know exactly what I mean.” 

“I am literally getting hyper!” said Quartet, clapping her hands. “I haven’t been here in forever!”

“Well have at it, flower lady,” Tirred said with a roll of his eyes. He fumbled in his bag. “I have several things you might like. Sunna’s catnip. Sunshine D, endorphins.” He briefly held needles with golden liquid in them.

“No thanks,” she said. “If anything, you need those more than me.”

Tirred yawned. “Not likely.” He tossed the needles aside and they landed on a cardboard target of Lucifer.

“Nice shot,” called a kid as an elf baby crawled dangerous close to the needles. A cotton candy booth was nearby. 

On a wall were posters that read, “Woo-Hoo World in Holy City, partnering with this park!” “Bio Rizz show at 7PM!” “Woo-Hoo Land is still better.” 

“This place sure hasn’t changed a bit,” said Timmid, looking around. There was a shiny sign that read “Seed Spin” with a blueberry on it. “Big crowds, clowns, noise…oh no! It’s Little Sprite!”

She pointed a shaking finger at an animatronic of a white sheep with big eyes near a booth that read “Lilith’s Army Attacks!”. The sheep burst into a repeated song: “Good people spread the love! Praise the Holy Lord above!” 

“That thing always was annoying,” Tirred said. “And too cute to be true.” He made a face of disgust and suspicion. 

“Well I think it’s wonderful,” said Docile from nearby.

“Of course you would,” Tirred said. If only his boss could see things from his perspective. Maybe if he could punish some sinners, take his place, see the adoration for him in his eyes…

“Have…have you been here before?” Timmid asked softly, interrupting his thoughts.

“No need to waste my time at a kid’s place,” Tirred replied, crossing his arms. Then he grinned. “Did you hear about the mascots here?”

Timmid’s eyes grew wide. “M-mascots?”

Just then, a giant blueberry with arms and legs popped out of nowhere. 

“Hey there!”

“Ahh!” Timmid screamed, cowering behind Tirred.

“I’m Woo-Hoo!” greeted the smiling blueberry mascot. “Welcome to Woo-Hoo Land! If you get hurt, free compensation and care!”

Quartet and Azrael stood by a carousel with moving white unicorns and horses with wings. 

“Look, Daddy! It’s Woo-Hoo!” said Quartet, pointing.

“I have a question,” Azrael stated, holding up a finger.

“Ask away, my lord,” said the mascot with a bow.

“Is it true that this park is nothing more than a second class rip off of Michael’s more popular Woo-Hoo World?”

A pause. “No?”

“This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.”

Quartet laughed nervously, pulling her father away. “Why don’t we check out the rides?”

‘That man’s creepy, huh?” asked the mascot.

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Tirred said. “I know you’re a sexual sadist under there.”

The elves left as the mascot sighed in defeat. “No one is perfect, even here.”

Tirred and Timmid headed down a pathway while a sweating Tirred stopped to catch his breath. “You really dislike this place, huh?”

“I hate this place!” Timmid exclaimed in fear. “My parents would bring me and my siblings here, and they made me go on all the scary rides!” 

An elf wearing tight clothing and a blueberry hat pushed a wheelbarrow full of toys into a nearby toy shop. A nearby sign on a brick wall showed a Bio Rizz doll and the words, “New! Rizzy Buddy! He laughs, he sings, he prays! Tell your parents to buy me! Over 100 lovable phrases! Posable! Only 48% asbestos.”

The two elves approached a window where dove plushies and blueberry shaped novelty cups with Ls on them were sold for 25 cents. 

Tirred mentioned, “Yeah, this place seems excessively generous. I mean, giving people 10 novelty cups they won’t even use?”

Docile came over, fumbling with cups and wearing a blueberry hat. He dropped several cups. 

“I can’t hold these much longer! Vendors keep giving more!” After straightening himself up, he played a tune from a toy trumpet. Tirred stood still and spoke in a monotone voice. “My name is Tirred, I’m your employee and your horn has no power whatsoever.”

Docile looked at it in disappointment. “Very funny.”

He set the cups down on the ground. “Why don’t you too got and have some fun? I gotta go watch Azrael.”

He glanced at Quartet who held a blue balloon in her hand. 

Tirred picked up Timmid. 

“Where are we going?” she asked in fear.

“To the scariest ride of course!” He smirked for the first time in a while as Timmid yelled “Nooo!” in protest. They went on a roller coaster that spun them upside down as the blueberry mascot posed by a rules sign. A shaken Timmid was comforted by a pink horse at a petting zoo after the ride. 

Quartet happily carried a balloon in her hand while Azrael slouched on. They walked by a stand that read “Angel Cakes: Eternal Bliss” with popcorn and a sausage on a fork. Docile snuck around like a secret agent with his staff. He appeared on a teal-green tent roof of an “Ice Cream Crystals” stand. Docile slid with his staff and almost knocked over cups at a “Holy Grail Drinks” stand. A nearby blaster game was titled “Save The Soul” and showed a moon and cardboard demons with xs over their eyes surrounding a human. 

Five giggling elves with camera peered out from an alleyway at Azrael, itching to get selfies with him. Docile slid along the floor, then glared at the elves, causing them to scatter away. There was a game where one could toss balls into halos and a ring toss.

“You know, it’s quite thrilling to see you on the job, boss,” muttered Tirred.

“I’m working, Tirred.”

“You both need to get a room,” Azrael rolled his eyes. 

Meanwhile, Tirred and Timmid walked along a line of booths, one read “Muppet” and one read “Knock a Bottle.” Timmid suddenly flinched and pulled Tirred toward another vendor. An elf wearing a yellow hat and a red shirt spotted them. 

“Hello, hello!” he called. “Step right up and win a thing!”

Timmid’s eyes shone in happiness for the first time as she gasped and pointed upwards. “Oh, look Tirred! A thing!” 

The “thing” was a purple stuffed animal wearing pink overalls with elf ears. It had a yellow beak, and a cross on it and a tag with “Thing?” on it. 

Tirred looked at her with a small smile. “Oh, you like that thing?”

“Yes, I guess. Please win me that thing.”

“My pleasure.”

He walked up to the vendor, took out some money and handed it to the carnie. “Okay! One game, please!” 

The carnie smiled and handed Tirred a trumpet shaped blaster. Tirred pulled the trigger and the cork projectile missed the cardboard blueberries in praying positions. 

“Nice try, little man,” said the carnie.

“I’ll try again,” he said.

Tirred tried again and missed. “The Hell’s name is wrong with this thing?” He tried again and again and missed each time. 

“Let me try!” Timmid said, taking the blaster from Tirred. She fired it and the cork hit a blueberry. Timmid clapped her hands. “Nice shot, miss,” said the carnie. He handed her the plushie. 

Meanwhile, Quartet pulled Azrael close with a gasp, letting go of her balloon.  
“Look, Daddy! There’s the Bio Rizz show!”

Quartet mentioned to a large circus tent with promotional signs of Bio Rizz on either side. She thought back to when she was young and Bio Rizz allowed her to go on stage and sing for the crowd. He even gave her a lollipop at the end. 

Docile and Quartet said at the same time, “I love that smart jester!”

Meanwhile, Azrael flinched as he was surrounded by elf fans taking pictures of him. One of them stroked his wings.

Docile rushed over. “Break it up guys! He’s busy!” The elves groaned in disappointment before wandering off. 

Quartet led her father to the stands where they sat and watched the show.

Two spotlights merged into one on the stage and Bio Rizz flapped open the curtains. He wore a jester outfit and his elf ears were covered with stripped cloth and little bells hung from the ends. A happy face and sad face pin were by his shoulders along with a string of lights as a necklace. His pants were stripped and he wore gloves. His shirt had small white broken hearts near the bottom and his eyes glowed blue. 

Six lit up arrow signs pointed to him and read: “Bio Rizz,” “Property of Camael,” “Look at him go!” “Yes! Love 2 c it!” “Wow!” “He.”

Bio Rizz held up a sign with “Woo-Hoo” on it. He also briefly held out a blue and silver contract signed by Camael: “This is a statement regarding the unfair accusations that my theme park “Woo-Hoo Land” is trying to surpass my friend and ruler Michael’s park Woo-Hoo World. This is false. These allegations are baseless and untrue. We are all friends here. Signed Camael.”

“Hey… elflings!” he said in a shy voice. He looked at a note card in his hands. “It’s me, the Biological Rizz! Hailed from Camael’s place to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Woo-Hoo Land and life! Hit it!”

Rows of spotlights lit up and he began to sing. The curtains opened and a singing elf choir holding candles appeared on stage. Real life animals covered with eyes played instruments: a dove played a trumpet, a lion played a guitar and a bull played a bass instrument. An eagle laughed as he played the drums.

“Woo-Hoo Land! Woo-Hoo Land!  
Everybody sing along with the Woo-Hoo band!  
Every boy, every girl, every woman, every man loves Woo-Hoo Land!”

When the show ended, with Bio Rizz and Docile posing together with fireworks, Quartet clapped. Bio Rizz tried not to look nervous. 

“How delightful! Haven’t had this much fun since the last Harvest Moon Festival…” 

Behind Azrael, an elf armed with a camera rose from beneath the seats. Docile glared at him and he ducked. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Azrael said, turning to leave.

“Dad, wait!” Quartet called, her face falling as she hurried after him. 

“It’s so great seeing you again, Docile,” said Bio Rizz, smiling. “I missed you and your siblings when you performed here. Your jokes were amazing.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Docile said. “I found my calling at E.L.F. but I’ll have to come back and visit.”

“Please do,” Bio said. 

The two of them went their separate ways.

“Dad, what’s wrong?” asked Quartet in a more secluded area. They sat next to each other, looking at the blinking lights on the rides. 

“It’s just…I feel like I haven’t been the best father. I guess it make sense, I’m not your real father.”

Quartet stared downcast. “No offence, but some part of that is true. You’re always so gloomy and you head is stuck in your job. I’d say that Mom does more effort into spending time with me. And yes, I have some qualities from my real father, even though I’ve never met him. I sometimes wish he hadn’t abandoned me.”

“I know.”

“Is there anything you’re afraid of?”

After a long silence, Azrael sighed, wrapping a black wing around her. “I’m scared of losing you. It’s been my biggest fear since you were little. Are you gonna go off somewhere else and leave me behind? A place less death-like?”

“Eventually,” she said, tears in her eyes. “But I’d never dream of leaving you behind. You’re my dad and I love you so much. And I do understand that both of us are very different. I suppose what I’m saying is…don’t let the deaths of others get you down. You need to enjoy the good things in the present moment.”

“You’re right, Seadrop. You’re so right. Being an angel of death makes it hard sometimes to appreciate the life in front of me. I promise…I will never abandon you. I do need some advice though.”

“Thankfully, I can help you get started.” Quartet said. “In fact, I’ve had lots of fun here, but I suppose you want some peace and quiet.”

“A darker place would be appealing,” Azrael smiled. He picked her up like she was a kid again. “Let’s go home.”

Later on, Bio Rizz happily rode the pink horse through the park as everyone cheered. 

Docile, Timmid, and Tirred talked about the adventures they shared as the sun set. Azrael carried a happy Quartet out of the park. 

“Can we go to “Animals Inc.?” asked Quartet. “They sell pet food and anti-taxidermy flyers there.”

“Sure, someday.”

“You’re alright sometimes, dad.”

“Thank you, Tet. Thank you.”

Timmid flinched as she saw a white cat rubbing against her legs. She then leaned down and smiled. “Hello there, Feeuq. Valentine treating you well?” The cat meowed in affirmation.


	4. Heavenuva Boss Episode Three: Autumn Intact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Docile's former supervisor steals his parking spot, things sure do happen.

Part One: Kiva  
A silver-colored van was held aloft by a pair of large white feathery wings attached to the sides. The surface was in pristine condition, shining in the sunlight. The license plates on the front and back read “E.L.F. – 333.” In the driver’s seat sat a thoughtful Docile, leader of E.L.F. The elf angel wore his usual work outfit: a long white coat with round teal buttons down the front and a pin attached to his undershirt. He had white pants and boots with blue trim around the ends. One half of his face was black, the other was a dark teal green. He had a white birthmark on his forehead and pointed teal green ears extending out on either side of his bald head. His pupils were white with teal irises and dark blue sclera. His wings were folded behind him and a halo hovered above his head. On the radio, a calming country song about God played as the elf hummed along. 

“I love this song!” he said. 

Sitting next to him in shotgun was the ever-smiling Sunna, the brown Heaven-cat. She had pointed ears and long hipster-style brown hair that framed her furry brown face. She wore her usual white sundress with a golden sun symbol on it. Decorating her brown furry body were several black stripes. Her sky blue eyes shined as she peered out at the passing clouds around her. The windows were down to let in the clean, crisp air. 

In the backseats wearing seatbelts were their two elf colleagues, Tirred and Timmid. Tirred, grumpy as ever, covered his ears and grimaced in disgust at the music. He had black hair that stuck out slightly on either sides of his teal green face. His young white-haired partner Timmid was curled into a ball, fearful of heights and almost everything else. Ironically, she was an angel with white wings and a halo like her colleagues. Both elves wore their white and teal work outfits. 

Sunna waved out the window as they flew by a family of bi-pedal humanoid swans who played harps on a cloud. Even the three kids were playing miniature lyres and flapping their wings in excitement. Holy City was bustling with music, cars, and people with animal-like traits. Several signs read, “Saintz,” “Cloud Nine,” “Paradise,” “7th Heaven” and “Elysium Gymnasium!” Doves, swans and sheep danced together on a hovering golden platform while small curly-haired cupids played instruments in the clouds. Several angels took pictures and selfies with their cell phones. A large group of children chased each other in the air while they played the popular “Gabriel’s Truth-Telling Trumpet Toys ™.” 

“Those things don’t even work,” Tirred mentioned as Sunna briefly played Docile’s trumpet he had gotten at Woo-Hoo Land. 

“Probably not,” she said, looking back behind her at him. “But I heard that people are still more likely to tell the truth, even if it’s unintentional.”

“Herd mentality,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “People will believe anything, the mindless sheep they are.”

A group of flying sheep angels “baa-ed” and gave him angry glares as E.L.F. drove by at a leisurely pace. 

“What?” he spat at them. “I’m just being honest!”

“Told ya,” Sunna grinned, blowing the trumpet closer to his face. Tirred pushed the trumpet away as Sunna giggled. 

A nearby marching band of uniformed bi-pedal lions and eagles played trumpets on a path as they strolled around a golden Greek temple. Inside the temple, Metatron was busy organizing records at a fancy desk in a closed off portion of the vast room. A few Seraphim with six fiery red wings circled a golden empty throne inside, chanting “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty! The whole Earth is full of His glory!” Their chants were amplified to the outside world via magic megaphones.

“I always hated those annoying fiery things,” Tirred remarked with a roll of his eyes. “They never stop!”

On the outskirts of Haven, a few dark exorcists were flying and sparing with angelic spears as part of their training. They had long black feathery necks, talon hands and feet, plus curved horns with small lines along them. They also had white spiked halos of their own above their heads, with a small crystal in the center surrounded by a cross. Timmid shivered as she spotted the Xs over their right eyes and their LED grins. The vulture-like demon exterminators had a smaller base and not as many numbers as the first Heaven next door, but that did not make them any less skilled or threatening. 

“Those things give me the creeps,” Timmid whimpered. “I don’t understand why we have to have them in the Heavens.”

“Well, they do live on the outskirts for a reason,” Tirred explained. “They have their own military society and even families there. Children are trained form birth to cleanse demons and protect Heaven. The more elite fighters guard the Empyrean, God’s abode. Some angels can become exterminators but only after many tests and trials.”

“Thou shall not kill,” Timmid recited, forgetting her fear. “Thou shall love thy neighbor and not covert his goods. Why is it then, that Exorcists, mortals and demons to the extreme extent…aren’t seen as our neighbors?”

There was a silence, save for the country music.

“Did you even listen to your lectures in school?” Tirred asked. “Demons are destined to suffer and be separated from their purified family members. Without the Archangels, Overlords, Saints and royalty, Heaven and Hell societies would crumble. Whether we like it or not, we all have our roles to play.”

“Sure, like you play your role so perfectly at E.L.F.” Sunna added to Tirred in sarcasm. She mimicked Tirred in a low voice: “‘I shall use my healing powers to discipline you mortals!’ ‘Kill all demons and imperfections!’ ‘I’m so tired, I hate this place. No one else but me deserves to fu…’”

“Do you guys mind?!” Docile glared back at them. “I’m trying to listen here.”

“Look out!” cried Timmid as a shocked Docile narrowly missed a white Pegasus flying to the side of the van. Docile swerved around it, and rapidly spun the wheel, dodging other flying vehicles. They dove under a large white flying truck that read “Fizzipop’s Soda,” on the sides in bold pink letters. The sky highway was flanked by streetlamps on clouds, the poles made of gold. As they plummeted down, Tirred put his hand on Timmid’s shoulder, trying to comfort her. She looked at him, taking deep breaths and forcing a small smile. The van narrowly dodged a flying horse’s hooves in the air.

“Horses,” Docile snorted in disgust. 

Docile maneuvered the van over toward E.L.F. headquarters. It was a large white pristine office building in Elf City, decorated with large golden wings jutting off to the sides. A nearby sign read “Welcome to Elf City, established 1981.” 

“Whoa!” Docile called, lowering the van and pressing onto the brakes. The van landed and skidded to a stop on the street. 

“What the fudge?!” Docile gasped as they stilled. 

The parking spot usually reserved for E.L.F. in front of the building had been taken by a large chariot. 

But it was no ordinary chariot…it was a breathtaking vehicle of energy and moving symbols. The wheels were golden and glowing, with small eyes along the rims. Spheres of light seemed to glow between the spokes. A griffin with shimmering tan fur stood at the head of the chariot, squawking from his eagle head and resting from its flight. A small white sheep with wings served as the driver. 

Four women got out, two on each side of the chariot. One had the head of a lioness and was dressed in red. The second wore white and had the head of a white bull. The third wore a purple robe and had the head of an eagle. The last woman wore green and had silky blonde hair and a white face with red blushes on it. All four women had silk scarves with peacock eyes draped over their shoulders. The license plate below read “SERVE-4-LIFE.”

“Oh you serve for life, do ya?” Docile asked in curiosity. He stepped out of the van. “Why don’t you do me a huge favor and let me have my parking spot back!”

Docile was silenced when another figure stepped out of the chariot. The four women made way for the last female.

“Is that…Beatrice?” Sunna asked, referring to the poet Dante’s lover and symbol of his ascension to Heaven and God. 

But it wasn’t her. Instead, the woman who got out looked like a regular angel. She wore a black and white dress and white high heels. Her hair was long and pinkish blonde, her face white with blushes. She wore a pair of blue heart-shaped sunglasses.

“Holy Heavens! Kiva?!” Docile gasped.

“Docile,” she greeted, stretching her pink-white feathery wings. She had pronounced the silent ”e” in his name, much to his annoyance.

Kiva Perdera was a famous cherub popstar in Heaven. Her love songs could make mortals and angels alike swoon with feelings of universal love. 

“I should’ve known you’d be here,” he said. “Who wouldn’t be able to sense your divine presence in both paradises?” 

There was a mix of admiration and resentment in his tone. 

“And how have you been, Docile?” She flipped her hair back. “Still in choir practice and performances?”

“Only on occasion.” He smoothed his shirt and coat in pride. “I’ve moved on to form my own reviving company, E.L.F. Which reminds me…please clear off from my spot.”

Kiva grinned, her sharp white teeth matching her pale face. “This spot has my name on it, now,” she said, pointing to “Kiva” in blue paint on the ground. The blue “E.L.F.” was crossed out. “I’m doing some judging and assistant work for one of the more infinitely successful companies in Heaven…”

“No way,” Sunna breathed from inside the van.

“…I’ve come from the other Heaven to visit and they invited me to perform some duties for a week for autumn break.”

“A week?!” Docile asked in shock. “You’re here for a week?”

“Yes indeed.” She removed her sunglasses, revealing green irises, white pupils and dark blue sclera eyes. 

“What’s the matter, Docile?” she mocked. “Are you sacred that I’m gonna judge you again after what happened all those years ago?”

“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “My former part-time job was decent enough. Bio Rizz had better jokes and songs…and I was fine with leaving the circus. Mia and Tia understood my new passion for saving lives. Oh I do miss them, though.”

Kiva smirked and leaned slightly toward him. “Saving lives? How about reaping them?” She then spoke in a low angelic voice as eyes appeared on her wings. “Or your failure to properly do so?”

Docile’s eyes went wide, his body went stiff. One eye twitched. A surge of memories flashed through his mind.

“Docile,” scolded his elf father Deferent. “Are you forsaking your Biblical studies for your trivial theater thoughts again?”

“Dad,” said Docile, holding up a flyer for a show at Woo-Hoo Land. “I’ve been wanting to star in my show for years. I could act and play music, too.”

“If you had more talent, then yes. But you know that our status doesn’t allow us to pursue whatever we want.”

“But it’s Heaven!”

“Heaven with rules just like Earth and Hell,” he continued. “Your destiny is to serve God and this realm…put your personal interests aside for the greater good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. After all, that imp Blitzo’s father Donner wanted him to give up his musical theater dreams in order for him and his sisters to survive and kill other demons. Of course, I don’t want such a fate for you.”

Docile stared in curiosity. “How did you…”

“How do I know all that? Heaven has spies who risk their lives to ensure that we can keep a better eye on demons and their lives.” 

The young Docile’s face lit up. “Couldn’t I be a spy that gets to go to Hell? So I can get information like this to share with citizens?”

“No son. Only a select few can do that duty.”

“If that imp and his siblings want to pursue musical theater and circus performances, than I don’t see anything wrong with that. That means I can do it, too!”

“It’s not a real career,” said his father. “You and your sisters need to make some decent money and do real work for the community. Serving the higher ups is what imps, hellhounds, elves and heavencats have done for centuries.”

“You mean I can’t pursue my own hobbies on the side when I want to? That doesn’t make sense!” The young Docile had angry tears in his eyes. 

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Deferent said. 

Over time, Docile went to school and took class after class. He became proficient in choir and sang in several performances. But singing the same hymns every time soon got boring. Cleaning palaces, constructing stained glass windows, assisting doctors… He went through one menial job after another. He couldn’t even use magic and work with the guardian angels. The saints and higher angels got to do whatever they wanted and there he was, stuck with mundane tasks. 

Several of the stained glass windows depicted the blonde Archangels that looked the same in both Heavens. The joyful Jophiel, Archangel of Beauty, had beautiful long blonde hair and wore a rainbow colored dress. She was surrounded by yellow flowers in the background. The lovely Chamuel, Archangel of Love, stood wearing white and held a red rose against a pink background of hearts. The mighty Michael, Archangel of Strength, stood out as a muscular blonde man holding a flaming sword and wearing gauntlets. His background was blue. Then there was the Archangel of Healing, Raphael, who wore a green robe and held a rod and herbs in his hands. The background was forest green. Uriel, the Archangel of Wisdom stood elegantly against a flaming red background, wearing white. There was Gabriel the Archangel Messenger, with his wings spread out and standing serene against white clouds. Finally there was Zadkiel, the Archangel of Mercy, who stood against a purple background. 

After a while, Docile’s father suggested…or rather forcefully encouraged…that he try an alternative career. “You don’t want to be defenseless if you encounter an Anti-Exorcist, do you?” he asked. One December 31st, a being with white bat wings, horns and a bare chest flew up to a dog angel. The being held a book about demons in its clawed hands and the dog listened in a trance. A glowing black pitchfork struck the dog angel and he cried out. At once, he plummeted out of the air, his wings burning off as he fell to Hell. His horrified family sobbed nearby. 

The young Docile gulped as he walked toward a dark stone building that read “Exorcist Fort 33 – Realm 2P.” 

By a stroke of luck, Docile was able to get in. He studied and trained day and night. There was Kiva, judging his every move. She wrote on a clipboard and stared with scrutinizing eyes as Docile practiced his flying. He grew used to using harpoon spears, holy daggers, swords and shields. 

“Cleanse as many demons as you can,” Kiva instructed, “but stray away from higher power demons.”

“The population of both Hells are overpopulated,” she said. “Thus reducing their numbers annually is crucial.” She gave Docile a black feathery Exorcist suit and mask, enchanted to fit his form. His wings and halo turned black.

“These suits were invented to help us blend into the population…and also to inspire fear in demons.”

“Do not talk to anyone. Do not enter into any buildings in Hell…or else you’ll be cornered. Stay with at least two other Exorcists on missions…for Heaven’s sake, Docile, never drop your holy weapons!”

“I’ll get it,” he called, flying down to retrieve his spear. The older Exorcists shook their heads.

“And most of all…” said Kiva, “Show no mercy to any demon…no matter how innocent they may look.”

On Dec 31st, Docile and the Exorcists flew through a portal into 2P Hell. Docile did his job well, slaying demons with his harpoon with no mercy. He glided over the stark city and ground, the sky sanguine. His heart ached every time he did it, but he told himself it was for the greater good. 

Just then, he spotted a furry animal on a sidewalk. Tossing aside his weapon, he picked up the creature and carried it to safety. The animal was a fluffy white furred cat with a scrunched up brownish face like a cross between a Persian and a Siamese cat. He stared at Docile with light blue eyes. 

Docile’s eyes shined as he removed his mask. “Aww, how cute! What’s your name?”

“I’m Nugget,” said the cat in a shaky child-like voice. “I fell from Earth and I got lost here in Hell.”

Docile gasped. “It’s okay. I’ll take you back to Heaven.”

“Do you think you could help me find my family, first?”

“Of course.”

“I think they went this way.” 

Nugget led him to a movie theater that read “Zoophobia: The Lost Characters” at the top. On a nearby wall, a deer head hung over a plaque that read “Hell Here” in bold letters. 

Docile went inside as Nugget posed in front of him. “Here they are!”

A black cat, Pixel arrived with a whitish mouth. Then a thinner tan cat with triangular ears stood close by: Muppet. 

The three cats cuddled and purred against Docile as he pet them. Docile closed his eyes in bliss before feeling a sharp bite on his shoulder. Then another one on his chest. 

“Hey, what’s going…”

He opened his eyes and gasped out loud. The three furry faces now had red glowing eyes and large smiles of bloody sharp teeth. They had increased in size as well. The cat demons meowed gleefully as they tore at his clothing, wings and skin with their sharp claws. He struggled against them but they held him down. 

“We’re having angel soul tonight, gang!” Nugget cackled.

Through his darkened haze, Docile could hear laughing, then hisses and yells. He heard the cats fleeing and felt himself being carried by someone with strong arms. By the time he woke up, he was in a military hospital in Heaven, staring at Kiva’s stern face.

He smiled lovingly at her. “Kiva, you saved my life! How can I repay you?”

“Getting distracted and fooled by other demons,” she tutted. “Putting other Exorcist’s lives at risk. Almost bringing a demon into Heaven. Here,” she said, handing him a pink slip. “You’re fired!”

Three high ranking cherub angels hovered in front of Docile as he walked in shame along the street. “We can help you, little guy,” the leader said in a kind voice. They emerged from the light. Docile’s eyes went wide. It was the angelic versions of Nugget, Pixel and Muppet. 

Nugget held out a generous paw. “Can you tell us your name?”

Docile took one look at their familiar feline faces and screamed as he scurried away.

The cats looked at each other in confusion. 

Docile heard the taunts and jeers of other angels around him. “Does anyone love you, Docile?” 

“No!”

Docile was back in the present, shaken. His crew looked at him in concern as Kiva awaited his response. 

He stuttered at Kiva. “Yeah well…uh I may have failed, but…at least I’m actually doing something with my life instead of singing love songs all the time!”

“You’re jealous because I’m still famous,” she said, moving her slender fingers through her tresses of hair. “I’ve heard your company is struggling to make ends meet. The chain company I work for now…It’ll likely outshine yours in a few months.”

“I don’t think so,” he argued, getting into her face. “As long as my employees and I are together, we’ll keep doing our job!” He stood, arms folded. 

Timmid had never seen the normally calm and carefree Docile so agitated. Even Sunna had a worried look on her face. 

“Now move your chariot or I’m gonna…”

A low hissing sound made him freeze. Towering above him was a giant white bi-pedal cat wearing a dark white suit. The cat’s left eye had a scar over it and was milky white. One of his ears was torn. 

“You’ll what?” he asked, his eyes blue, his sharp teeth visible.

“I’ll…uh…” Docile stuttered. “I’ll call GOP.”

Kiva, Docile and the large cat burst into laughter.

“Anyway,” said Kiva. “Meet my new bodyguard, Portal. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.”

Portal and Kiva led the way as the four robed women followed. The chariot locked by itself and was surrounded by a barrier of white flames. 

“God bless and God speed, elf man,” she called.

Docile stomped his foot. “That holier than thou, pompous little bit…”

“You know Kiva Perdera?!” Sunna asked as she stepped out of the van.

“Huh? Oh yeah, she was my supervisor and…former crush.”

“Was that before or after your training?” Timmid asked, poking her head through an open window.

“You were a former Exorcist?!” Tirred asked in envy and disbelief.

“Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?” Docile asked in annoyance.

“It’s Kiva Perdera?” Sunna replied. “An experienced traveler celebrity…with you?”

“She must be sick in the head,” Tirred added. “Perhaps trying to show mercy to the little ones in her spare time.”

Docile narrowed his eyes. “You guys are making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be,” Docile said. “I don’t spy into your personal lives.”

The three overlapped, “You do that all the time, sir!”

“Drop it, guys,” Docile demanded. “Timmid, find a new parking spot for the van.”

“I’m scared to drive,” she said in hesitation.

“Then lift up the van and fly it! Sunna, Tirred, come with me.”

Sunna led the way as the three E.L.F. members stepped out of an elevator. The walls were white and free of cracks. The brown cat was unusually nervous and she started licking her furry arm repeatedly.

“Oh, my fur’s not clean enough,” she muttered between licks.

“Oh you look perfect Sunny,” said Docile. 

Sunna kept licking her fur until she bumped into a strong arm. She looked up, stunned. Portal was standing tall and proud…and he gazed down at her.

“Say something, Sunny,” Docile whispered in encouragement. But all that came out from Sunna was a high combination of a meow and a squeak: “meoweek!” Her face blushed. 

Docile walked up and cleared his throat. “Hello, sir. Where’s your employer?”

“She’s in her office,” he said. “There wasn’t room on the second floor, so they made room here on this one.” He mentioned to a pair of double doors right across from the E.L.F. office. The room was converted into an organized recording studio with microphones, headsets, switches, and of course, a thick Bible on a center table. Painted on the door windows was a large orange “K” and a large orange “P” that stood for Kiva Perdera (and Kathy Prior). The room number above read “42”. 

“Oh come on!” Docile cried. 

“Sorry, man,” Portal said as he walked away. Docile muttered some fancy angelic words under his breath…his tone sounded high and echo-like, similar in structure to the lower sounding demonic language. 

“Are you casting a spell?” Tirred asked.

“No, I’m cursing,” Docile said.

“Sir,” added Tirred. “Maybe I should head on in and give her and her gang a piece of mind. I like “pop genre” music better than country but nothing’s better than the dark subtle portions of rock or metal or even ambient. Her status to me is…”

“Tirred, shush it,” Docile said, tuning him out.

“All righty then,” Tirred said, heading for the door. 

Portal then moved in front of the door. 

“Hey, I was going in there,” Tirred mentioned, holding up a finger.

“Office is closed,” he said in a gruff voice. Docile and Tirred looked at each other. Portal sighed. “What did you expect? You think I was gonna let you imps…erm, elves waltz on in, allow those angels to mess with you and have one of you make a stupid bet with them? I don’t think so.”

“Wow, he really does do his job well,” Sunna breathed. 

Docile was about to say something else, but Portal waved a large paw dismissively. “Scram.”

Docile gave one last glare and opened the door to the E.L.F. office. Timmid ran down the hall to catch up with them. “I’m here!” she called. She glanced at the poker faced Portal and smiled nervously, holding up her hands. “Nice kitty,” she said as she followed Docile and the others into the room. 

The four of them crashed onto a nearby couch, with an old fashioned brown TV in front of them. Docile held his head in his hands. “I can’t believe this. Kiva and her cherubs could shut down our company if she found a reason to. We don’t even know what company she works for.”

“What are we gonna do?” Sunna asked. “We can’t just sit here.” 

“Which is exactly what we’re doing,” Docile said. “Unless you all have any better ideas?”

The others were silent.

“Can we watch Spirit?” Sunna asked. “Or Cats the musical?”

“That Spirit movie was boring,” Docile complained. “And that iced coffee my older colleague gave me this morning…unsatisfying. You know I always like my coffee hot.”

Sunna picked up a TV remote. “Let’s see what’s on. Maybe it’ll cheer us up.”

Sunna pressed a button and a series of commercials flashed onto the screen. One commercial stood out from the others. It featured three singing angelic cherubs from the parallel canon Heaven. The three of them posed in the clouds by a rising sun. The sky had white clouds below, making way to more orange clouds and rays of sunlight. In the center of the screen stood a bluish crystalline structure that looked like a rising sun. The structure had fifteen pointed triangle spokes on the top, each increasing in size toward the center. 

The leader cherub was a winged boy with a white halo, a white face, short orange hair in a bob at the top and large silvery eyes. He wore a pair of orange overalls, a yellow undershirt and small white boots. He was flanked by two flying smiling sheep on either side of him. The sheep to his left had a dark face, bushy eyebrows, light eyes and thick curly white wool hair on his head. He wore a white bow tie, a teal shirt and blueish overalls with four buttons on it. He also had white wings, cloven hooves and a white halo. Finally, the sheep to the right was a female, with a light yellow face and pink irises. Her hair was wooly and yellow, her eyes had thick eyelashes. She wore a matching yellow dress with a red bow with ribbons on it near her neck. The bottom trim of her dress was also red in a flowery shape. Her hooves and legs were light yellow as were her wings. Her white halo hovered above her head. The sheep used a Bible to travel to Earth via a created portal in the sky. 

The female cherub smiled and spread out her hand as the jingle began:

“Luckily for you…”

The light indigo sheep did the same thing…

“There’s something we can do…”

The leader cherub smiled against the sunrise clouds. 

“We can help keep them alive,  
So you can watch them thrive!”

The three cherubs flew together side to side as their logo “C.H.E.R.U.B.” appeared in bold golden letters on the screen.

“Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.,  
We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently,

The next series of clips showed the sheep saving people from muggers, natural disasters and various accidents. 

Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.,  
No, we never even ask a fee,”

The next clip showed a human handing dollar bills to the leader boy, who held out a dismissive hand. 

“Because good people spread the love,”

The next clip showed the two sheep cherubs hugging each other as pink hearts spread out in all directions. 

“And we’re here for all above,”

The next clip showed a spinning earth with more hearts in every direction. 

“We do the paperwork for you,”

The exhausted male sheep wrote down at his desk surrounded by piles of paper around him.

“And the heavy lifting, too,”

The yellow female cherub lifted a heavy boulder from a crushed man. The man gave a weak smile and thumbs up. 

A man in a car crash with a torn up chest and battered skin weakly smiled as the sheep cherubs appeared around him.

“So sit right back and let us bless a soul for you,”

The leader cherub smiled and flew close to the screen. He joined his two companions who lifted their heads up and harmonized. The golden C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appeared above their heads. 

“Oh we, are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!” 

(“Cherish Human Existence, Reviving Unity Bestowers.”)

“A second chance for you and me!”

Their names appeared on the screen: Collin for the male sheep, Connie for the female sheep and Reuben for the leader. They also had a secretary of their own. 

Docile switched the TV off.

“You’re not gonna angrily blow up the TV with a gun are you?” Timmid asked in surprise.

“Of course not!” Docile called. “Who would do something crazy like that?!”

Timmid shrugged.

“Wow,” Docile breathed, sitting still. “That was…”

He turned around, beaming. “…the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen!”

Timmid blinked in surprise. “The jingle wasn’t great and those sheep look suspicious…”

Docile put an arm around his employee. “Come on, Timmid, the jingle was like a musical. And the amazing things the cherubs can do. Reviving humans and spreading love! And who knows what else!"

“We literally do the same thing,” she said. 

Docile let go. “True but we mostly heal people and restore things to normal. We’re far less…cheery and sheep-y…”

“Baa!” Sunna belted out loud, followed by high giggles. Tirred rolled his eyes. 

Timmid sat up. “I have an idea. What if we all traveled to the other Heaven and asked C.H.E.R.U.B. to help us? We could join forces against Kiva’s new company and E.L.F. will continue on. Kiva may even leave us alone.”

Tirred scratched his head. “Are you sure? You know how hard it is for OCs and denizens of this realm to travel to the other realm.”

“It’s a piece of cake for the canon characters to travel here,” Docile mentioned. “It’s shouldn’t be that hard for us.”

“Well…” Sunna said, trying to be encouraging. “I only heard it takes several days to travel from Heaven to Hell and vice versa.”

Docile smiled and held up a finger. “Not if portals are used along with light speed. That’s how it’s always done every year.”

“We can’t just travel to and fro on a whim,” Tirred reminded them. “The bodyguard is still there.”

“Well if you see him, just try and reason with him. Tell him that we’d like to combine our skills and hopefully E.L.F. can be heard about in the other Heaven, too. That’ll prove to Kiva just how capable I…I mean we, can be.”

“Whatever you say, sir.”

There was a knock at the door.

Docile got up to answer it. He flinched back when he saw Portal.

“Kiva’s ready to see you,” he said. “No crazy bets.”

“So much for that plan,” Docile mumbled to himself as he followed Portal. Portal opened the door to the recording studio. The four women had left and Kiva was surrounded by a gang of slender singer cherubs. These cherubs appeared as whitish bi-pedal sheep, wearing modern day light colored clothing. A woman sheep had light pink fur, a light pink face and wore a matching dress with flowers on it. Another male sheep wore purple overalls, a dark face and shining golden eyes. All of the sheep had white halos and wings. The sheep cherubs were smaller than Kiva and hovered beside her, staring at Docile. 

“How can I help you, Docile?” she asked, pronouncing the “e.” “Come here to admit defeat and try again?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” he said. “I’m traveling to meet with another company, which will totally outshine whatever yours is. They have excellent singers and a fantastic commercial. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to expand the best and only company in Heaven, E.L.F.!”

“How interesting,” said the pink singer. “What is your companion company?”

“Like I’d tell you.”

Kiva smirked. “This company you seek…it wouldn’t happen to be C.H.E.R.U.B., would it?”

Docile froze in his tracks…which was enough of an answer for her.

“Oh, so it is,” she said as Docile turned around.

“So maybe it is,” he added. “I’m gonna collaborate with them and your company will be blown out of the water!”

Kiva and the cherubs laughed. “Hahahaha!” Kiva grinned in superiority. “I work for C.H.E.R.U.B., little elf!” 

“W-what?!”

Kiva lifted up a pocket of her dress that revealed the tiny logo. “I’m one of their assistants who spreads the word of their activities. Actually more fun than being an Exorcist coach. Guess my fame here was able to reach the other realm.”

“I…I don’t believe this…”

“Forget about trying to join forces with C.H.E.R.U.B. Collin, Connie and Reuben are too busy to be concerned about a bunch of struggling…non-canon elves!”

Kiva and her crew laughed again. Docile’s face turned red and he seethed. 

Docile then glared in determination, sharp teeth showing, pointing his finger. “Listen here, snitch. My company was formed before yours! We were beginning to save lives while I.M.P. was just getting started! E.L.F. will continue to exist with or without your help. While your sheep sing Kumbaya on lyres, we’re out helping both humans and angels!”

Kiva leaned in toward Docile. “Big words from a little elf who formed a mediocre rip-off crew based on C.H.E.R.U.B! I’d like to see you get approved, or even noticed by the well-known figures in Heaven…or Hell! You’re utterly forgettable!”

“Oh yeah? Well, how about I propose something you will never forget! I challenge you to a…challenge! Gosh darn it, I said that twice.”

“Oh. What’s the game then, Docile?” She drew out the “e.” 

“Every year, you airheaded muses go topside for easy entertainment when autumn break is a great date for positive fate and staying up late! So I bet…you cher-boobs can’t amore as many people as we can vivifica by the end of the day.” Docile briefly placed two hands over his heart to show love and then slowly raised his hands around his head to emphasis reviving. He grinned and held up a determined finger.

Kiva and her gang laughed yet again. Docile gave a determined glare.

They stopped. “Oh, you’re serious?” Kiva asked, leaning in close. “Game on, snitch.”

Docile walked out of the room to find Tirred and Portal talking. Tirred handed Portal a large handful of dollar bills. 

“Forget about bribing, Tirred,” Docile said. “Kiva’s not gonna let us collaborate with C.H.E.R.U.B. on our terms like I’d hoped.”

Tirred just stayed silent.

“Let’s go, gang,” said Docile, “We’re going up.”

“To the next floor?” asked Timmid. 

“No. Up to Earth.”

“Don’t you mean going down to Earth?” Tirred asked. “Because Heaven is higher and superior to…”

“Shut up Tirred,” Docile and Sunna said. 

E.L.F. went outside as Sunna carried the Bible in her arms. Docile posted several flyers that read “Autumn Break Rescues: 50% Off!” 

“Now we wait,” Docile said.

“But sir,” mentioned a worried Timmid. “There is no way that enough clients will arrive to read a few ordinary, black and white flyers!”

Docile grinned as a line of angels and saints alike grew outside. 

“Now, who’s first?” Docile asked as he walked over toward the clients. 

Part Two: At The Beach  
The beach in the human world was alive with humans from everywhere. Men, women and children happily walked around, relaxed under umbrellas, or had snacks. Several surf boards stood up in the sand by a decorated teal wall with a wavy orange design taking up the center. The crowd was positioned between a wooden dock and a makeshift stage. Two women wearing sunglasses got comfortably close and kissed each other in the shade. A muscular dark skinned man talked with a red haired woman while a blonde guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap shook a bottle of pills into his mouth. Above the beach lay a small row of shops. One sign read “Pawn Paradise.” One sign read “Hotel” in red letters while another sign read “Sea Cream” with a teal ice cream cone structure next to it. Another sign read “Piccolo Pizza” and another read “Dagon Juice” and had a green fish with a sailor’s cap on it. 

In the shadows under the dock, the E.L.F. crew emerged from algae covered rocks. 

“Alright, you ready, guys?” Docile asked. The others nodded.

“Then let’s go…”

“Wait,” Sunna held up a paw. “Shouldn’t we all be in human disguises?”

“What now?” Tirred asked.

“You know, to blend in so we don’t get caught?”

“You’re just bringing it up now, Sunny?” Docile asked. 

“I got distracted by…” Sunna’s cat eyes landed on a large white cat pacing by the stage. Portal. “…stuff.”

Docile gave her a brief wink. “Right. But be sure to get some work done first. We’re all gonna have to work together if we stand a fighting chance. Got the list, Sunny?”

“Got it,” she said, sniffing a scroll of paper and examining the names on it. 

“Look around for anyone who might need saving or love or comfort,” Docile said. 

“Do you think C.H.E.R.U.B. needs to take on human forms every time they go to Earth? Or do they have the privilege of being adored by everyone they meet?”

Docile faced Tirred with wide eyes and a strained grin. “Not helping, Tirred.”

Sunna held up a picture of a group of four humans. It was I.M.P. in their human forms. Blitzo had light brown skin, red eyes, a slender tall body and short wavy black hair. He also had his black birthmark on his forehead. His look radiated a child-like smugness. Moxxie was a short, red-eyed man with white skin, a lanky body and his signature white hair. A grumpy look was present on his face. The beaming Millie was African American, with wild black hair, dark brown skin, red eyes, makeup and thick eyelashes. Finally, the aloof Loona had pale skin, red eyes, a partially shaved head, bars in her ears and a mane of long gray hair. They all wore their same work outfits. 

“This should work,” Sunna said. “If it did for them, it can do for us.”

The four elves stepped forward, their bodies enveloped by swirling magical blue light. The light faded away and there they stood in their human disguises. Docile was slender and white with gray eyes and short black hair…he even had a birthmark on his forehead. Tirred was short with white skin, black hair, a thicker body and serious black eyes. Timmid was little and blonde, with pale skin and green eyes. Last of all was Sunna, a well-formed African American woman with brown eyes and brown braided strands of thick hair. All of them wore their same outfits. They stared at themselves and their hands in amazement. 

“Meow,” catcalled a nearby human man who crept up to Sunna. With a roll of her eyes, she landed an uppercut to his chin and he collapsed. 

“Alright kitty, kitty,” called Docile to Sunna, “Lead the way!”

Sunna spotted a muscular man with a bare chest sweating in the sun. After he collapsed from heat exhaustion, Sunna raced over and carried him toward a shady spot. Timmid summoned a bottle of water from thin air and lifted it to his lips. The man groaned and stared at them with relief in his eyes. Once he was back to normal, he thanked them and went off to get some ice cream. 

The other blonde man with sunglasses was staggering in the sand, unaware of anything going on. Docile rushed over while Sunna held him steady. Using his angelic staff, Docile pressed the sphere against the man’s back. The drugs vanished from his system and the man stood up. Sunna grinned and handed him a magazine titled, “How to Cure Your Depression and Be Closer to God.” After they left, the man rolled his eyes and tore the magazine in half. “Religious salespeople,” he muttered. 

Several lifeguards pulled an African American to shore, her leg was bleeding heavily from a shark bite. Tirred waved his hand over the wound and it closed on its own. As the others around them gasped in shock at what he did, Docile waved his staff and their eyes went blank. The humans all went back to their activities, not even noticing the disguised elves anymore. 

Timmid gave a white woman CPR and then pulled her child from the riptides. Sunna helped rescue a man from a mugger in an alleyway. Docile showed a crying child a picture of three fluffy cats. Tirred helped an elderly man up the stairs. Finally, Docile used a lot of his energy to bring a recently dead person back to life. 

“Where am I?” he asked.

“You were crushed by a rock, but I saved you,” said Docile.

“How is that…”

“It’s of no concern. Get back on with your life.” 

The man smiled in thanks and rushed off to hug his formerly grieving family. 

Docile smiled in approval as the gang reunited. “Nine rescues in the bag, guys! Well done! I’d like to see that pompous princess score that many…”

“All right fall breakers!” called a familiar voice. A large crowd had gathered around the stage. It was Kiva in her human form. She had long blonde hair, white skin and ocean green eyes. She wore a short emerald green wavy dress that exposed her right shoulder and wore matching heels. 

“Are you all ready to have some fun and make some divinely good choices?!”

The crowd cheered and a fanboy yelled “Kiva!” Her name was written in blue on his bare chest. 

Several teal spotlights shone on her and hearts flashed on the two screens on either side of the stage. “Confess, Docile,” was shown in white letters on the screens…Docile seethed in anger.

Kiva began her love song, the crowd hooked onto every word. She sung like a siren on land, luring the humans to promises of enlightenment and bliss. 

“All aboard

Pack your bags  
Sun’s out  
Take a vacay, babe  
Take it straight to Bonetown

V-time, free time, love to share  
Romance, fun dance, global care  
Massages and che-rubs on your back  
You are more than what you may lack

Pack your bags  
Sun’s out  
Take a vacay, babe  
Take it straight to Bonetown

Ice cream, sunscreen, volleyball to play  
Kindness, pure bliss, seizing the day  
Back to my place, it’s Cloud Nine  
No need to stress when everything is fine

Pack your bags  
Sun’s out  
Take a vacay, babe  
Take it straight to Bonetown.”

Before long, the humans were laughing and hugging each other. Some gave each other kisses and said nice things. Many of them made out as well. Kiva’s cherub angels were in human form as well, with varied skin tones and genders. Most of them wore high-quality clothing; shirts with pockets for the men and silky sun dresses for the women. A cherub was disguised as a white man with long blonde hair. He walked up to another man and smiled warmly. The human cried with joy and rushed into his arms for a hug. Another cherub appeared as a black man, soon surrounded by adoring human women. The cherubs’ eyes were a mixture of teal and gold. 

“God dammit!” cried Docile. “Kiva has started her godish mating call! Now she’s gonna win all those love lunatics! We gotta pick things up, guys! He on the list, Sunny?”

He mentioned to a blonde man wearing boxer shorts, smoking a cigarette.

“Huh? Oh yeah, I guess.” Sunna stared at Portal who was guarding the stage. He appeared as a muscular blonde white man wearing his suit. He had a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a cat. 

“Good!”

The man looked at Docile. “Whoa, what are you…a leprechaun?” asked the blonde man with a strained laugh as he pushed down his sunglasses.

“Oh yeah, pretty lame, huh?” Docile asked in annoyance. He waved his staff and the man’s mind went blank. He fell on his knees. The smoke cleared from his lungs. Docile tossed the man’s cigarette away.

“And you sure as spit won’t tell anyone.” Docile turned back. “All right, next one, Sunny, come on.”

He looked around and saw Sunny slowly making her way toward Portal.

“Be careful and good luck!” he called with a wave. 

Sunna made her way through the crowd, avoiding a French-kissing couple and a herd of dancers. A male white cherub appeared by her and gave her a wink. Sunna rolled her eyes and shoved him away.

One of the fanboys squealed and ran toward Kiva with his arms out. Portal grabbed hold of him and dragged him away. 

Kiva turned to one of the cherubs on stage. “Invite them in.”

The cherub walked off the stage with a Bible in his hand. He drew a Christian Cross and a pink sigil of the name Vivienne in front of him. He chanted in the angelic language. 

When Portal dismissed the boy, he looked at Sunna and smiled.

“Hello.”

“H-Hi,” Sunna said nervously. 

“Say, you’re that cat working for my boss’s troublesome previous intern.”

“Yeah,” said Sunna, “Sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s cool,” he said. “The past is the past. I’m paid and I do my job…all that matters.”

“Yeah,” Sunna laughed nervously. A high squeak escaped her lips. “I’m Sunna!”

Portal rolled his eyes and gave her a small smile. “I’m Portal.”

“That’s hot,” Sunna said with a grin. Then her face turned red and flustered. “I mean like literally you know because portals, you know, they give off heat. Probably.” She pointed both fingers in a snap, trying to act cool.

Portal chuckled. “My friends call me Tal.”

“Nice, very nice.”

Docile appeared not too far away. “Are you gonna ask him on a date?” Docile whispered to her. Sunna waved her hand in annoyance at him. “Shush!” she hissed under her breath.

“I think I know a great place you two could meet,” Docile said. He glanced over at two people randomly carrying a third person on a mattress across the sand. 

“No, no, no!” Sunna said as Docile held in laughter. Portal just looked on. 

Sunna turned to Docile and whispered. “Why are you embarrassing me?”

“Just want what’s best for you,” he said.

“I can do things on my own,” she replied.

“Sure, like your job, but this is a new area for you, and I thought…”

Sunna moved a hand over her face in frustration. “Just please, let me do this on my own.”

Docile turned to Portal. “I adopted my little pussycat when she was eighteen!”

Sunna growled in annoyance.

“If you want, I have pictures of her even younger!”

Sunna’s face turned red. “Please, just leave me alone for five minutes, at least! Why are you behaving like this?”

“Because I adopted you and I want to help keep you safe. My protectiveness should mean something.”

Sunna hissed, “Well right now it doesn’t!”

“Well if you want to go back working for the rest of your life, have at it. Don’t forget your earlier years when you needed me most.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore! I didn’t need you then, Docile! And I don’t need you now. You’re not my real dad!”

Docile turned his back toward her, hiding a hurt look on his face. Sunna also had a hurt expression as well, seconds after she had said her words. 

“Uh…” Portal began, scratching his head at the awkward situation. He turned to Sunna. “You were…asking me out?”

“No, no I wasn’t!” Sunna nervously stuttered out loud. “It was just my dad’s…um adoptive dad’s crazy idea. I’m not interested in you in that way, but I love you…as a person…ya know…uh…”

“Okay?” he asked. “If you ever want to give me a call, go for it. My girlfriend throws the best feline parties back in Heaven…” 

Tears spilled from Sunna’s brown eyes. “Party, new friends, lots of fun! Gotta go back to work, nice mating you….uh meeting you! Bye!”

“Sunny, wait!” called a concerned Docile. But the disguised cat had dashed off into the twilight.

The sky had turned from a brilliant blue to a sunset orange. Purple and indigo colors appeared in the sky with each passing minute. Timmid was finished healing another person when she spotted a figure in the distance near the stage. It looked like one of Kiva’s minions, looking from side to side. 

“What are those sneaky cherubs up to now?” she asked herself. 

“Hey, Timmid,” called Tirred who arrived beside her.

“Hey Tirred, haven’t seen you in a while. You see that cherub over there?”

Timmid mentioned to the white human woman in a teal dress moving sideways by the stage.

“Yes. I think we should go get some information out of her,” Tirred said. “I don’t know about you but Kiva seems pretty suspicious.”

“Agreed. Let’s go.”

Just before the two elves reached her, the frightened cherub dashed up some steps and vanished. Kiva’s show had ended for the moment. The two elves reached backstage and hid among the red curtains on either side. Timmid peered through and saw the cherubs strolling around and putting away instruments. The front of the stage was curtained off, obscuring the stage from the beachgoers. 

Just then, Tirred stepped forward into Kiva’s line of sight. Her gang of cherubs all turned their heads.

“Tirred, wait!” called Timmid, following him before she could stop herself. 

Tirred summoned an angelic spear into his hand and pointed it at Kiva with a glare. His eyes darted from side to side, his body shaking. The spear was the one he often practiced within his spare time. 

“This ends now, Kiva!” he said. “You can admit that you’ve won the contest…but leave E.L.F. alone…or else.”

Kiva looked at both of them, moving a slender finger toward her chin.

“You’re outnumbered dear,” Kiva smiled. “Best if you surrender now.”

“No, don’t surrender, Tirred!” Timmid urged, getting into a fighting stance. “We can work something out once Docile gets back.”

Several pairs of eyes glowed eerily on Kiva’s white wings in the dim light. Kiva smirked. “Oh, I wasn’t talking to him.”

Timmid stepped back as Tirred gave her a strange apologetic smile. Suddenly it seemed like getting to Kiva was too easy.

She had to warn Docile and Sunna.

She sprinted back toward the curtains and opened them. The blonde-haired beefy Portal suddenly towered in front of her, mouth partially open. He extended his meaty white hands. Timmid leaped out of the way and slid under him, but he yanked her back by grabbing one of her arms. Timmid yelped in shock and fear. He soon had her in his grip, one of his hands over her mouth. Timmid felt a sharp pinch to her neck and was overcome by black.

Timmid groggily woke up, the world coming back into focus. She looked around, then down…and found herself tied to a pole. Rope was wrapped around her waist and her hands were tied behind her. She struggled against the bonds. 

“Excellent work, Tirred,” Kiva praised nearby. “They should arrive any minute now.”

They?

The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Timmid watched as Tirred handed his spear to one of Kiva’s cherubs. The cherub placed the spear on a small black stand in the center of the space. After a flash of magic, the spear hovered in the air on its own. Energy reflected from the spear’s sharp tip, opening a swirling hole in the glowing pink symbol in the air. 

Timmid gasped as she stared down at her now clawed green fingers. Tirred had changed back to an elf as well. Back at the beach, Docile stared at his elf reflection in the water. 

Sunna walked past him, still in human form.

“That’s what happens when you don’t use your disguise for a while. It wears off after several hours.”

Docile face-palmed and scowled before lowering his hand. He sat on a rock, tired from saving so many people…and upset at the current events.

Sunna froze. The dark woman took a deep breath and forced herself to turn around. Something urged her to help set things right. 

Several minutes of silence ticked by. The only sounds heard were the motions of the waves, the cawing of gulls and distant chatter. 

If Sunna had been in her cat form, her ears would’ve twitched.

“Docile,” she said tentatively as she crept toward him. “I…I’m sorry about before, you know…”

Docile didn’t move.

Sunna moved closer and wiped a few sad tears away. “About what I said…I really didn’t mean it…”

“Didn’t you?” he solemnly asked. 

Sunna sighed. “Look, we all have our bad moments. I know you were trying to help me make a good impression. But you were just embarrassing me in front of him! I’m not a little kitty anymore.”

“But you are still my daughter…or adoptive daughter. You have your duties to fulfil and I have mine.”

“Life isn’t just about work and serving a higher power,” Sunna mentioned, inching closer to him on the large rock. “I’ll admit, I do it almost every day but other times I love lazing around. Life’s a chance to explore and try new things. To really live and do things you enjoy.”

“Not to the point of selfishness,” Docile said. “Pride is the root of all the sins, you know.”

“Is it really selfish to want to fall in love? To seek pleasure for its own sake and to follow your dreams because you want to?”

Docile turned to look at her. “Not everyone gets a chance to live their dreams, Sunna. Not even in Heaven. I’ve worked hard, served many people, yet I’m still just cloud fluff in society’s eyes. Elves and imps, the lowest of the low. Eventually you learn to be grateful with what you have and be…docile in life.”

Sunna raised a thick eyebrow. “Where’s that hidden adventurous Docile I know and love? The Docile who isn’t always docile? The one quick as lightning, who’s willing to take risks to protect those he loves and his wondrous goals?”

“I’m not a reckless imp,” he replied. 

“You don’t have to be. You just have to be yourself and find that perfect balance.”

“Easier said than done.”

Sunna put a comforting hand on his back, sniffing. “I’m so sorry.”

After a moment, he said, “I’m sorry, too. You really have grown up a lot and…I’m very proud of you.” Docile wrapped her in a tight hug, gently rocking her. “Where’s that sunny Sunna I know and love?”

Sunna let out a few hysterical sobs. “She’s right here, dad.”

They embraced and then let go.

Sunna stood up. “There’s something wrong.”

“Want another hug?”

“No, I can feel something in the air. I haven’t seen Tirred or Timmid around for a while. We’re supposed to meet back up here.” 

“Could they be lost?” Docile asked.

“Or worse…”

Both of them glanced over at the stage in the distance. Several cherub stood guard around it, including Portal. 

“Kiva,” Docile breathed in anger.

Without hesitation, the elf sprinted off across the sand. “Wait!” Sunna called, racing after him. “It could very well be a trap!”

“I know. Go call the human police,” Docile said. “I’m not leaving my employees behind no matter what!”

Sunna smiled, though concern was present in her eyes. “You got this, dad!”

Docile summoned an angelic spear and knocked aside a few disguised cherubs with a wide swipe. One of them landed a punch, but he dodged out of the way. A few more rushed at him, but he leapt into the air, using his wings to steady himself. Docile spun around and landed several kicks to the cherub’s faces. They were knocked to the ground, but easily got up. Docile landed onto the wooden stage floor and burst through the curtains. There he spotted Timmid tied up. With another skilled swipe, the ropes fell off of her. Timmid managed to get her hands free. All too quickly, the other cherubs closed in, one of them knocking away Docile’s spear. That spear was picked up by Kiva and added next to Tirred’s hovering weapon. The portal grew wider. 

Docile and Timmid were quickly pinned down by more cherubs from behind. They struggled as they faced Kiva.

“Not so noble now are we, Docile?” She pronounced the “e.”

“Smooth coming from you. Why go so low and capture my employees?”

Kiva glanced over. “Care to explain, Tirred?”

Docile gasped as Tirred stepped forward, a darkened look on his face.

“Explain what?”

Kiva grinned. “Tirred helped lure you elves over here so we could further our plan.”

“What plan?”

“To make C.H.E.R.U.B. the one and only reviving company in Heaven. If you were to win, that would make us look bad. But if we win, which we will…we don’t want guys like you to cause any trouble.”

Docile smirked. “You sound as though you’re sacred of us. What, we’re too ‘low class’ for you?”

“It’s just a way to keep you in line, to not have too many humans flocking to you and losing their way.”

“Why would they lose their way when we do exactly the same things as C.H.E.R.U.B.?”

“C.H.E.R.U.B. does what you do, only better. And as far as we know, you haven’t made an effort to keep demons in line.”

“My Exorcist days are over. Killing or persuading demons is not my problem. If you had just let us collaborate with C.H.E.R.U.B. as friends, we wouldn’t be in the mess you so dearly made!”

“And if you hadn’t made your silly bet against us, you wouldn’t be here, humiliated, in the first place.” 

Docile turned toward Tirred. “Don’t expect your paycheck for months, traitor,” he growled. 

Tirred grit his teeth and turned toward Kiva. He clutched his head several times and strained. “We…we had an agreement. I brought you my employees, they surrendered, you win. I gave Portal my money and resumes. Now let us free so we can do our new jobs.”

“New jobs?” Docile asked.

Tirred’s eyes glazed over and he went slack again. “Not for you,” Tirred said. “I meant for Timmid and I.”

Timmid stared at Tirred in disbelief and curiosity as he walked over to her. “You know how E.L.F. struggles in comparison to so many in Heaven. Sure saving lives is important, but what if we could make a difference in an alternative way? To cleanse the evil scum that threatens the lives of humans and the Heavenly Order?”

“By mercilessly killing demons every year? Tirred, demons may be evil but it’s up to them to reflect on their sins…in the hopes that they may end up better than before. You say that angels are greater than humans, but demons…they were innocent humans once, too.”

“Oh, so now you go for the side of evil?!” they both yelled at the same time.

“It’s just tradition, Timmid. What difference would it make for us to change things up a bit…together? We could train and be our own bosses. And C.H.E.R.U.B. could pick up where we left off.”

Timmid stared back in thought. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “She’s using you, Tirred. All of them are. I heard you guys talking when I was waking up. She spied on us and knew that you would be tempted to take up the offer. You help hold E.L.F. together…”

A faraway look came into his eyes, then vanished. Timmid noticed a faint teal glow in his orbs she hadn’t noticed before. 

“I know you’re in there, Tirred. Think of all the fond memories we had. Do you realize how important you are to us?” she asked.

“Or were?” Docile asked. Tirred had been tricked and now he appeared to be in some kind of daze. Although part of it was his own fault. Docile knew of the elaborate mind control spell: the Adina curse. A spell created by a ruthless angel, capable of hypnotizing an entire God-serving army at the extreme. It was barely noticeable to anyone, save for those with trained eyes. 

Thankfully, Tirred was under a weaker temporary version of it, but it was still bad news. 

Timmid ignored Docile. 

“Well, our old life is behind us, Timmid. For our sakes and for Kiva’s, let’s surrender to C.H.E.R.U.B. and do what she says.”

He held out a hand to her…and she promptly spit into his face. He flinched and shook his head. 

“I’ll never join you, Tirred. Especially when you’re not yourself.”

“Well then,” he turned on his heel. “Enjoy your time in the streets begging for clients and money.”

She scoffed and gathered her courage. “Enjoy your time being single.”

“Oooooooh,” remarked a chubby male cherub before Tirred shoved him aside. 

Kiva glanced over at the portal, which hummed with energy. She clapped her hands. “Excellent, they’re here!”

Docile gasped softly as the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members flew through the portal. Music box tunes mixed with angelic choirs played in the background as they arrived. The three members briefly flew into the air out from the stage and did aerial tricks.

“Look, it’s C.H.E.R.U.B.!” one of the humans called, pointing upwards. The humans at the beach cheered in the sunset as the C.H.E.R.U.B. members happily waved and blew kisses. One of them, Collin, gave a nearby child a brief hug. 

The three of them flew back toward Kiva. 

“Welcome good sirs and ma’am!” she said to them, arms out. 

Reuben, the leader in overalls, stared in surprise at the restrained Docile and Timmid. 

“What is the meaning of this? Release those leprechauns immediately!”

“Oh for buck’s sake!” Docile cried.

“Trust me,” said Kiva. “It’s better to have them restrained here until they can fully commit to us. I don’t want their rival company to slow us from our progress.”

“Why can’t they be friends with us? I’m sure they have a lot to offer.”

“Precisely my point!” Docile called before getting hit in the back by his captor. 

“With all due respect,” said Kiva. “You three do your job very well. You’ve saved so many people on Earth and your message of love and peace knows no bounds. But I suggest you wait until they become new C.H.E.R.U.B.…interns.”

“No way,” Docile breathed, knowing that the one thing worse than losing his company was being mind-controlled by another.

“We don’t want those elves lonely and forgotten. They saw your commercial and were dying to meet you three.”

“Dying’s never good,” Reuben remarked. “’Survive, revive, thrive,’ that’s our motto.”

“Wait,” said Collin, “I thought it was ‘Good people spread the love.’”

“I’m pretty sure it was ‘You live, we give!’” added Connie with a twirl of her yellow dress.

“Did any of you listen in the last meeting?” Reuben said. “We gotta stick to one motto. Changing too much doesn’t help with the branding…”

Kiva cleared her throat. “Time is of the essence, dear friends. It is time to show E.L.F. just how much we’re capable of. Starting with the humans and I.M.P.”

“The humans are all fine,” Connie said. “Though way too many of them die…and many of them are so mean and so unsophisticated.”

Yes,” said Collin, “Those freaks who write and draw and drool over all of us in the most obscene ways.” 

All three C.H.E.R.U.B. members turned and glared at the camera before looking back and smiling again. 

“Reviving all of the humans we can…and eliminating the unfaithful…” Kiva added. “And keeping all eyes on those devilish imps in Hell.”

“We’ve tried once before,” said Collin sadly, munching on a sugared doughnut he brought with him. “Making friends with them, singing them songs about new hope. They’ve grown up in such dire conditions with not a lot of opportunities. All they know how to do is kill.”

“Perhaps all they need is some love, some music, and a chance to ‘relive the afterlife again!’” declared Connie.

Reuben elbowed her. “I like singing too, but this ain’t Disney. You know how angry and jealous those imps are of us. And I’m pretty sure that elf over there is giving us the stink eye.”

He pointed down at Timmid. 

“Besides, that motto sucks. Too repetitive.”

“It is not!”

“It most certainly is.” 

“No way!”

“Shut the front door!” Collin called abruptly. One of the cherubs shut a lone door that was part of a set of props. “Thank you,” said Collin in relief. “I couldn’t stand to look at that robotic clown poster.”

“Enough!” called an impatient Kiva. She took a breath. “Please, please, my friends…we have work to do. You don’t want those demonic creatures to spoil your hard work by killing off more mortals, do you?”

The sheep mumbled in agreement. 

Kiva straightened up. “Then let your transformation begin.”

The three sheep looked at each other in concern, but complied with their advisor’s words. The curtains opened up on both sides, leaving a clear path to the outside. They flew into the air, held hands and then spun in a circle. Kiva held an open Bible in her hands and chanted a spell in the angelic language. The spell had the word YHWH and VVNN-MDRN in it. The sheep spun faster until they became a speeding white circular blur. A glowing white circle appeared against what was left of the setting sun over the ocean. 

The gang led the elves on the beach. The sky had a blinding brightness to it…many of the humans gasped and covered their eyes. Some of the people were pointing at the scene and screaming. Everyone except Kiva was surprised, even Tirred almost broke out of his trance with a worried look. Portal and the cherubs stared with worried looks. 

One long white angel wing looped in a downward arc against the now golden sky. Then another wing did the same thing. Soon there were six large wings, two pointing down, two wings extended to the sides and two more crossed over slightly above the first two. The wings burst into white flames and glowing yellow eyes slowly appeared on each of them. Golden moving bands slowly materialized around the wings, forming large rings with more eyes on them. Appearing in the white sphere of energy inside everything was a much larger golden eye that almost seemed transparent. 

The divine creature pulsed with powerful energy as rays of light shone from the large eye in every direction. Some of the humans ran for their lives while others prostrated onto their knees on the spot.

Docile nodded to Timmid and the two of them whirled around, freeing themselves while the cherubs were distracted. They landed several nimble kicks and punches, knocking them out. The elves took to the sky on their wings. Timmid gasped as an entranced Tirred was lifted into the air by vine-like light from the hybrid monstrosity. As he hovered in the air, the left side of his face slowly morphed into the black skin of an Exorcist. 

For one of the first times in her life, Timmid brushed aside her fear. She knocked out another cherub and snatched up a long holy dagger and a bottle of holy water from his belt. Her white hair fluttered in the breeze as she flew toward Tirred with objects in hand. Tirred was pulled closer to the scrutinizing eye, which began to invade his very soul. Timmid’s feet landed on one of the spinning wheels and she raced on, her stretched wings supporting her. 

Squelch, squelch, went her feet as she stepped onto the eyes with a look of disgust on her face. She dragged her dagger along behind her, creating a screeching noise and sending off a shower of blood and sparks. The force of the larger wings tried to send her back, but Timmid held on with all her might. 

She finally reached Tirred, who tried to shove her away. She reached for his hand and forcefully grabbed his wrist. She tried to pull him out of the golden light bonds, but he wouldn’t budge. The golden wheel was tipping dangerously. She slashed her knife forward, cutting the bands loose and freeing her companion. When Tirred almost knocked her down, she slashed lightly at his neck and muttered an apology. He growled out in pain but didn’t protest further. 

Timmid hoped the holy water would reverse his curse soon.

Just when she was about to open the small bottle, the wheel tilted again, causing her to lose her items and almost fall. Tirred was pushed away by the wind, and he sailed back to the beach. He landed haphazardly in Docile’s arms.

“Urgh, I hate that woman,” he growled. “Judgement will come to the unfaithful.”

“Tirred,” Docile said in a rare show of passive-aggressiveness, “Please screw yourself on a sword.”

And with that, Docile promptly knocked him out. 

Back at the battle, Timmid held onto the spinning ring with both hands. The circular fire of the eye below her flared like a miniature sun, her feet dangling. The more she spun around, the more she almost fell. She screamed for her life, calling on God to rescue her.

More rays of light shot from the large eye toward the beach. In a cemetery, a bunch of recently dead criminals suddenly rose back to life. They stood confused at first, but the gang of men grinned and began to chase after frightened women nearby. More people rose from the dead, some of them spreading their racism toward others. A loving child with a deadly disease raced back toward his parents. 

Kiva recited from the Genesis: “…And God said unto them: 'Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.’”

“Why are you doing this?!” Docile cried. “You’re allowing the Earth to be overpopulated!”

“You save and revive lives too. Don’t we not have the same goals?”

“Not to defy the cycles of life! We only revive the recently deceased, not a bunch of people on a whim!”

It was then that Docile realized: macabre as they were, I.M.P. must exist for a reason…a manifestation of destruction to clash with creation. 

Kiva smiled. “C.H.E.R.U.B. gives people a second chance at human life…to prove that they are worthy in His eyes. All the rest go to Hell upon death, as is tradition.”

“But why have that when the majority of people go to Hell, anyway? There’s no justice, even of the vengeful kind. It creates an unfair system!”

“Exactly. A system that may be unfair to some, but it works. It has worked for thousands of years. The worthy get in, the dammed eventually die again. There is nothing in this world that can chance that.”

“You’re wrong,” Docile glowered. “Just you wait.”

Kiva brushed off his comment. She muttered in a low voice, “Search for I.M.P.”

Before the remaining cherubs could take off, Docile tripped them and promptly knocked them out.

“I don’t need to be an Exorcist to eliminate threats like you,” Docile spat.

“Is that so? See for yourself,” said Kiva, mentioning to the angel monster. “That divine cherub hybrid sees everything…no one can defeat it head on. And it appears that your employee won’t last much longer.”

Docile’s face fell. He knew there was no way he could reach Timmid in time. With the potential loss of two members, he would be reduced to a lost cause. The cherubs slowly got up, preparing to surround him again. 

He held up his hands in defeat, eyes closed. “Just…let us live, we’ll do what you want, Kiva I give…”

Docile almost surrendered right then and there. 

But upon opening his eyes, he spotted something long and glinting not too far away. The two hovering spears stood inches over the stand, light from the tips supporting the portal. 

A last determined look crossed his face. He picked up Tirred in his arms and flapped his wings.

“…you my regards!”

Portal blocked the path to the spears but Docile raised his arms, tossing the unconscious Tirred into the air. Tirred landed against Portal’s white face, briefly making him stumble. In the split second that Portal was distracted, Docile charged and rammed his head against him as hard as he could. Portal stumbled backward, bumping into the podium. He, Tirred and the stand crashed to the floor, taking the spears with them. 

“Docile…” thought Timmid.

Timmid closed her eyes and her spear appeared by Docile’s feet. He pushed himself up and grabbed the weapon. 

The other two spears slowly made their way back into position…

Whack!

With a well-aimed swipe, Docile’s spear cut through the other ones like sticks. The broken spears clattered to the ground, the light fading from their tips. 

Timmid cried a river of tears, unable to hold any longer. Her hands slipped from the ring and she began to fall with a yell. 

The creature suddenly vanished in a shower of white light, and Timmid plummeted into the ocean. She bobbled her head and reached the surface with several gasping breaths of relief. She looked up and saw the three C.H.E.R.U.B. members defusing. The sheep shook their heads before hugging each other.

“Man that was horrible!” exclaimed Connie. 

“It felt like my wool was on fire,” Collin added.

“Kiva always was a female dog,” Reuben added. “We gotta make sure this event doesn’t get out!” 

They all glanced down at Timmid with wide cute eyes. “We’re sorry!” they all sang.

Timmid just glared suspiciously.

“Tell E.L.F. we’re up to collaborate!” called Collin.

A loud sucking sound permeated the air, and C.H.E.R.U.B. found themselves being pulled back. They flapped hard and struggled against the imposing force in the air, but it was no use. 

The three members yelled out as the portal sucked all of them back to their world. 

“No!” Kiva cried, extending a hand as the portal closed and the sigil disappeared. 

Kiva seethed as her human disguised cherubs surrounded her. The gang walked to the beach. Docile grabbed another bottle of holy water and poured it down the still Tirred’s throat. He muttered a prayer and felt the last of the mind numbing magic dissipate away. Tirred’s wounds healed up and the Exorcist features faded to reveal his normal face. He was free of the spell.

Tirred’s eyes fluttered open and he groaned. “D-Docile?”

Timmid raced over, dripping wet and hugged him. 

“What happened?” Tirred asked.

“You were being conned into working for Kiva and being a total ass,” Docile deadpanned.

“I’m truly sorry. I let my desires led me astray…”

“It’s okay,” Docile said. “I gotta have a talk with my former boss. And get us some new spears.”

The elves walked onto the beach and met Kiva and her cherubs. Sunna came skipping back. 

Kiva smirked when she saw Docile. “That was handled rather…obvious, don’t you think?”

“I’ll say,” said Timmid. She and Docile raised their summoned staffs into the air, mind-wiping the surrounding humans. The formerly frightened and concerned people went about their day without a care in the world. (Though there were still the revived criminals and religious maniacs roaming around.)

Timmid continued. “Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys unlocked a secret evil form of C.H.E.R.U.B., along with helping to push a sinister agenda that could ignite a rebellion in Hell and a soon to be World War Three.”

“Oh Jesus! You and your crazy conspiracy theories,” Tirred sputtered to her. He turned to the cherubs. “You guys will be screwed, screwed, screwed!”

“Yeah,” Kiva began. “Well you three will be in trouble for going against a canon organization and not wearing your disguises the whole time!”

“Snitch, a human called me a leprechaun. I am not a bucking leprechaun,” Docile added. He stepped closer. “You know, we could keep your little Viv cartoon agenda on the down low if you allow us to keep our company…and my parking spot!”

Kiva scoffed. “Fine.”

“Yes!” Docile cheered. “We won! In your face, psychotic sheep!”

“Come on gang, let’s get out of here,” Kiva said with a sneer. “Tal!”

“Guess I gotta bounce,” said Portal to Sunna. “Feel free to give me a call sometime." 

Sunna blushed and said, “Will do.”

“Stop on by for my girlfriend’s feline parties. Let’s get you living the life!”

Portal walked away and followed Kiva up the stairs and onto the street. Kiva and her gang were quickly surrounded by police on horseback and drawn guns. 

“Alright disciples,” said Kiva, “Get ready to atone for a lot of your sins.”

Her gang groaned in defeat as they raised their hands in surrender. 

A portal was created in the air. Timmid carried Tirred through, while Sunna followed Docile. The portal closed and they were back in Heaven.

“Hallelujah!” Docile cheered as they parked their silver van in their rightful spot in front of E.L.F. headquarters. Off in the distance, the four women drove the chariot through another portal to the parallel Heaven. 

“That was an unpleasant curse,” Tirred said. “I didn’t even realize I said those mean things to you.”

“It’s still partially your fault,” Timmid reminded him. Tirred hung his head.

“Yep,” Docile agreed. They got out of the van and headed back to the office. They met in the hallway. Docile smirked. “In fact, you can prove your loyalty to our company by scrubbing down the rooms from top to bottom.”

Sunna came back from a closet and handed Tirred a mop and a bucket.

“Seriously?”

“What goes around comes around,” Sunna mentioned. 

“We cannot afford a lot of things right now…including losing someone so hardworking,” said Docile. “I know things can be a bit rough between us but Timmid still has faith in you. We always have.”

Tirred gave them a small genuine smile. 

“Don’t focus on what could be,” Timmid said, giving him a hug. “Focus on what is…right now.”

Tirred hugged her back, breaking into silent sobs.

“Are you…crying?” Docile asked.

“No sir!” he growled, letting go of Timmid. “You guys are still a bunch of airheaded wimps.”

“Now that’s the old Tirred we love!” Sunna said, back to her sunny personality. 

“Alright Tirred, get to work,” Docile ordered. “Timmid, Sunna, let’s have some angel food cake to celebrate.”

Sunna licked her lips. “Sounds yummy!” Tirred grumbled as he cleaned. 

Meanwhile, back in the first Heaven, Collin the cherub sheep flew up toward the screen with a child-like smile and a wink.

“See you in the next episode!” he sang.


End file.
